The hope is we have so much to feel good about

Slow, melodic song was blaring amidst conversations, and I sat  there in the middle of countless faces I never met before. When it calls for it, I made small talks and laughed appropriately at the right time. But whenever I found myself little time to catch my breath, my mind wanders over.

I saw happy families, society of distinctions, and young crowds keeping abreast with the latest of things. This glaring brightness, this feigned happiness  - and I felt so ill at place. I tried to look around for familiar comforts, my safe refuges, but a sting of bitterness rush to my eyes as I realised none of them were there.

"What have become of our lives?"

Then I was struck with a strange feeling of melancholic contentment. Despite everything, we all have plenty to smile about. This pain will be beautiful one day, this torment will feel foolish in the future. No matter how hopeless our lives may seem to be at the moment, we still have so much to feel good about.

Breaking boundaries

I stepped into the business lounge and my step was frozen. A vivid image of a scene in a Godfather-like movie rushed into my mind where rich and old businessmen are sitting around in a dimly lit room clouded with cigar smoke, coffee and tea half-drank and cups littered with ashes, hushed voices indicates discussion of important but hazy business.

I chuckled to myself. Even though I know I was supposed to be impressed with the situation, I found it strangely comical.

"Ah, I was looking for you." A deep, hoarse voice interrupted my line of thoughts and I looked to the left. Three men were approaching, dapper in suits and shiny shoes. I smiled and shook hands with them. We exchanged pleasantries and ever gentlemen, they led me through the door to get to our seats.

As we sat, I suddenly felt eyes on me. I looked around and noticed an interested look thrown by the on-lookers. In passing, I wondered why before I turned to join the conversation again.

We spoke for the next hour; they did most of the talking, while I took notes and chipped in when necessary. For them it's a business opportunity, for me it's a learning experience.

When we stood up to leave later, shaking hands again and promising to follow up and keep in touch, once again I saw heads turned from other tables. I stepped back and took a good look at our group; a Chinese man and his son, an Acehnese who has been working here for more than 10 years, an Irish who loves his char kuey teow, a Malay uncle who hailed from the same place where my parents live; they are all grown men and I, a young woman in scarf who sat and stood on the same par with them.

It's becoming regular occurrences now, to find myself in a situation where conventions dictates I have no business being there.  But, who's to say what or who I am determines what I can or can't do?

Think of yourself as Me, Inc.

"Stop thinking of yourself as a dweeb who needs a job, and start thinking of yourself as a financial entity that must survive over a half century. By viewing yourself as a small company, you practice goal-setting, accountability, strategic planning, financial management, and marketing, and give yourself a framework for success." - Martin Yate

I like the idea of being the CEO of my own life. Especially when Alexandra Levit likens our professional development to a smart phone, downloading various useful apps (skills and responsibilities) which allows us to function and serve useful purpose to those around us.

I've been through a career hellhole, but one day when I was sitting in front of a friend and he asked, locking my eyes in earnest, "so, you are going to stay with the job until 2013?", I was suddenly struck with a realisation that I've never felt so clear about what I had to do with my life, until then.

I knew my answer to him wasn't very assuring when I gave him a non-committal smile and a half-nod. But I'm suddenly aware of an alignment as to what I am inside and what I can offer to the world - reliability. And such awareness gives me a renewed sense of purpose when I was back at the office the next week.

"In life we do not always get an opportunity to do what we like best at the time of our choosing. Search and you will find." Those are the words of Tunku Aziz when I sought his advice. I thought; if I can't find now, if I'm yet to understand - then I might as well give it my best shot while I'm at it.

Where Will I Be in Five Years

“If you believe if you’re going to…change the world, you’re going to end up either a pessimist or a cynic. But if you understand your limited power and define yourself by your ability to resist injustice, rather than by what you accomplish, then I think reality is much easier to bear.” Chris Hedges

A Semblance of a We

We are mismatched bits and pieces put together, but in the nooks and crannies of our awkwardness we found safe corners.

In you, in me - we found a semblance of a we. 

Accept your own aloneness

“It’s no good trying to get rid of your own aloneness. You’ve got to stick to it all your life. Only at times, at times, the gap will be filled in. At times! But you have to wait for the times. Accept your own aloneness and stick to it, all your life. And then accept the times when the gap is filled in, when they come. But they’ve got to come. You can’t force them.” -D. H. Lawrence, Lady Chatterley’s Lover

Disconnect and recharge

"To manage the storm around us, we need to quiet the storm inside ourselves". I've been quite a follower to Tony Schwartz's blog in the past year. A proponent of productivity and engagement at the workplace (and how the way we're working isn't working), his musings often touch on how to get the best from our daily tasks and actions without sapping ourselves of our precious energy.

At the same time, Tony's writings are also personal. The way he relates his theories to his day-to-day life and activities give me a strange comfort in knowing I'm not alone in experiencing detachment and burnouts in my workplace.

It took me a number of job applications made in haste and an interview with another prospective (but nonetheless incompatible) company to made me realise what I hate in my current job is not the job itself, but the mindless operating robot I've turned into. It took me a week spent among the project network stakeholders (not to mention the much needed time out of the office) and a night mulling over figures and numbers to remember again what actually inspires me about my work;

The satisfaction of completing one little project at a time, reading and writing about issues I believe in, understanding science behind everything, the enriching experience I get when I speak to everyday entrepreneurs and industrialists, the ability to see the big picture, picking apart drivers and barriers governing our decisions.

In the grand scheme of things, they might be futile. What I'm doing may account for only one single little dot in the gigantic map of global struggle, but they will drive me forward. They will be the crutch to keep my feet steady, to keep me walking until the end - limping or not.