"For me, running is both exercise and a metaphor. Running day after day, piling up the races, bit by bit I raise the bar, and by clearing each level I elevate myself. At least that's why I've put in the effort day after day: to raise my own level. I'm no great runner, by any means. I'm at an ordinary-or perhaps more like mediocre-level. But that's not the point. The point is whether or not I improved over yesterday. In long-distance running the only opponent you have to beat is yourself, the way you used to be." - Haruki Murakami
For the grit, the pain, the need to keep going.
There are days when I feel like I am lugging brick and stones in my leg. There are days when I don't feel like running. There are days when I feel like I would rather sit at home reading a good book with a cup of tea.
Most days I run because I need to.
Friday, July 20, 2012
Thursday, July 12, 2012
Where the one ends, where the other begins?
“Everyone and everything is interconnected in this universe.” - Jeff
We were on our way back to the city. They were belting out to songs coming from my friend's MP3 player, a biographical collection of her life. There were songs I remember fondly, from our times together in school and the forest.
They made me think of the weekend. They made me think of the surreal, but memorable trip I had up north.
My friend's mom has cancer, and I wish I could give the world for her.
There were fragments of memories of her in my life for as long as I had known my friend; him talking on the phone to her as her endearing abang chik, him berating us over the way we cook because they are never like his mom's, him telling us early in our friendship how he showed her a photo of us.
For us, the trip was for her. For my friend, the trip was an attempt of fitting us in his shoes.
From showing us his playground, to his normal weekend jaunt at the harbour haggling for fish, to him sitting down beside his mom, comforting her in the dead of night, to her strong voice waking her grandchildren up early in the morning for school.
We have been made privy to her life, and as I sit in the back of the car I was shaken by the revelation how the mere fact of her existence is the greatest gift I've been bestowed and one I will not be able to return.
Sometimes we forget we have a past. Sometimes we forget our lives are much more intertwined and complex than we think. Sometimes we overlook how a person we think so insignificant could have so much effects on our lives and people around us.
"The first is the recognition that the great mystery is not death but birth. The great gift is life and loving and being loved in return." - Arthur Dobrin
We were on our way back to the city. They were belting out to songs coming from my friend's MP3 player, a biographical collection of her life. There were songs I remember fondly, from our times together in school and the forest.
They made me think of the weekend. They made me think of the surreal, but memorable trip I had up north.
My friend's mom has cancer, and I wish I could give the world for her.
There were fragments of memories of her in my life for as long as I had known my friend; him talking on the phone to her as her endearing abang chik, him berating us over the way we cook because they are never like his mom's, him telling us early in our friendship how he showed her a photo of us.
For us, the trip was for her. For my friend, the trip was an attempt of fitting us in his shoes.
From showing us his playground, to his normal weekend jaunt at the harbour haggling for fish, to him sitting down beside his mom, comforting her in the dead of night, to her strong voice waking her grandchildren up early in the morning for school.
We have been made privy to her life, and as I sit in the back of the car I was shaken by the revelation how the mere fact of her existence is the greatest gift I've been bestowed and one I will not be able to return.
Sometimes we forget we have a past. Sometimes we forget our lives are much more intertwined and complex than we think. Sometimes we overlook how a person we think so insignificant could have so much effects on our lives and people around us.
"The first is the recognition that the great mystery is not death but birth. The great gift is life and loving and being loved in return." - Arthur Dobrin
Monday, June 25, 2012
Little daily miracles
"What is the meaning of life? That was all - a simple question; one that tended to close in on one with years. The great revelation had never come. Instead there were little daily miracles, illuminations, matches struck unexpectedly in the dark".
- Virgina Woolf and the Languages of Patriarchy
We were standing by the railing, looking out to the man-made water body in front of us. It's early evening and already dark, and I was remembering stories about how fish the size of a child can be found in the lake.
There was a group of tourists taking pictures. Besides them, we were on our own.
"A lot of people say it's boring," I was telling him about how the place is growing on me, "but I love it here. It's like..."
"...you own the place." He finished my sentence. I looked sideways at him, and he smiled.
I returned my gaze to the dark and unassuming sight in front of me.
- Virgina Woolf and the Languages of Patriarchy
We were standing by the railing, looking out to the man-made water body in front of us. It's early evening and already dark, and I was remembering stories about how fish the size of a child can be found in the lake.
There was a group of tourists taking pictures. Besides them, we were on our own.
"A lot of people say it's boring," I was telling him about how the place is growing on me, "but I love it here. It's like..."
"...you own the place." He finished my sentence. I looked sideways at him, and he smiled.
I returned my gaze to the dark and unassuming sight in front of me.
Friday, March 9, 2012
A letter to my 16-year old self: Money advice in your 20s
Dear 16-year old self,
You're about to embark on an utterly life-changing journey. You just graduated from high school a year earlier than your peers. You were raring to go and do medicine. You want to start the next step of your life as soon as possible. You want to grow up.
So I'm writing to you today to share with you three things about what I've learned about money and life in general. I hope in times when you feel pain, you will think of these words and know you are not alone.
1. Your parents have spent the best effort and money on your education.
The coming months will be important, you will decide on which university to go. You are going to be disappointed with a few rejections and missed opportunities. You will discover how options are limitless, and unfortunately, you will also learn for the first time how there are limits to the things your parents can pay for.
There will be times when you feel like your parents are not doing good enough, or like they are indifferent to your frustrations. But let me tell you;
dear darling, you're emphasising small faults over big wins.
Your parents have spent tens of thousands of dollars for your education when they decided to send you to the private school. They even sent you on a gap year stint in Jordan when you were 10. No small feat for a kid to go halfway through the globe to learn live and fend for herself with strangers, but even bigger feat for parents to sacrifice as much.
Now is the time for you to charge on your own. Believe me, the stars will always be on your side. You will not get the coveted scholarship to study overseas, nor will you get the full loan from the national education fund. Nevertheless, you will work hard like you always do, and after a couple of belt-tightening semesters, you will get the scholarship from a local university.
One day, your father will tell you, "It's true, we were never rich, but we are always comfortable", and you will realise how important such worldview is growing to become your own. Money is only important as far as it meets your needs.
2. Spend, but only on things that matter.
Getting the scholarship in your sophomore year will be grand, and I want to give you the permission to spend it. I tell you so because I know how you tend to get on board the guilt train, and feel like you don't deserve it.
Sweetie, the money is given to you because you prove how hard working you are. The money is given to you for your education. To learn, to explore, to discover, to do everything and to meet everyone new. So spend it, as much as you want.
Let me also tell you, handbags, shoes, or fanciful dress and tudungs, they will change with seasons. So too little trinkets of cute things or latest gadget. But you know what? It turns out I didn't need to tell because you already knew. How proud I am of you!
I still remember when you spent that first RM500 on books; your first Alexander McCall Smith and Eoin Colfer and Tony Parsons. How giddy you felt, how liberating. Like you were doing something naughty. When you blew hundreds when you drove over to Kuala Gula to volunteer during the International Wetlands Days, or when you maneuvered the houseboat on the Hawkesbury River. You felt guilty, but the experience was worth every penny, isn't it?
That's my dear, how good life should taste, and I want you to remember every time you spend your money. Money cannot buy you happiness, but it can help you get there, use it (correctly).
Do I think you should have saved the money so I can use later? No, I don't. I'll be alright. Like I said earlier, the stars will always be on our side.
3. Know what you're worth.
As you venture out into the big, wild, world, you will start to recognise how your family is as ordinary and middle-class as anybody else. I'm not saying it because it's a bad thing, but because I would like to let you know how grateful I am for your ordinariness.
Knowing there are times when we can treat ourselves, like getting a visit to the bookstore, with a ration of 2-3 books each, and knowing there are times when things are difficult, like the time when we had to move and live in dad's office to reduce the family's spending - made you think about life, and made you think what life is really worth.
No stuffs, no things, and certainly no branded items can determine how worthy you really are - only what you have inside; your determination, your courage, your curiousity, and what you have in each other.
I cannot make you see it now, because you will have to go through some painful process to finally see it. But to help you go through it all, I can tell you, even though painful, they will always be beautiful.
One last thing, honey. You didn't become a doctor. It turns out it wasn't right for you.
I love you.
From yourself, 10 years later.
This post is part of Women's Money Week 2012. For more posts about Money in Your 20's see Money in Your 20's/30's/40's/50's/Retirement Roundup
You're about to embark on an utterly life-changing journey. You just graduated from high school a year earlier than your peers. You were raring to go and do medicine. You want to start the next step of your life as soon as possible. You want to grow up.
So I'm writing to you today to share with you three things about what I've learned about money and life in general. I hope in times when you feel pain, you will think of these words and know you are not alone.
1. Your parents have spent the best effort and money on your education.
The coming months will be important, you will decide on which university to go. You are going to be disappointed with a few rejections and missed opportunities. You will discover how options are limitless, and unfortunately, you will also learn for the first time how there are limits to the things your parents can pay for.
There will be times when you feel like your parents are not doing good enough, or like they are indifferent to your frustrations. But let me tell you;
dear darling, you're emphasising small faults over big wins.
Your parents have spent tens of thousands of dollars for your education when they decided to send you to the private school. They even sent you on a gap year stint in Jordan when you were 10. No small feat for a kid to go halfway through the globe to learn live and fend for herself with strangers, but even bigger feat for parents to sacrifice as much.
Now is the time for you to charge on your own. Believe me, the stars will always be on your side. You will not get the coveted scholarship to study overseas, nor will you get the full loan from the national education fund. Nevertheless, you will work hard like you always do, and after a couple of belt-tightening semesters, you will get the scholarship from a local university.
One day, your father will tell you, "It's true, we were never rich, but we are always comfortable", and you will realise how important such worldview is growing to become your own. Money is only important as far as it meets your needs.
2. Spend, but only on things that matter.
Getting the scholarship in your sophomore year will be grand, and I want to give you the permission to spend it. I tell you so because I know how you tend to get on board the guilt train, and feel like you don't deserve it.
Sweetie, the money is given to you because you prove how hard working you are. The money is given to you for your education. To learn, to explore, to discover, to do everything and to meet everyone new. So spend it, as much as you want.
Let me also tell you, handbags, shoes, or fanciful dress and tudungs, they will change with seasons. So too little trinkets of cute things or latest gadget. But you know what? It turns out I didn't need to tell because you already knew. How proud I am of you!
I still remember when you spent that first RM500 on books; your first Alexander McCall Smith and Eoin Colfer and Tony Parsons. How giddy you felt, how liberating. Like you were doing something naughty. When you blew hundreds when you drove over to Kuala Gula to volunteer during the International Wetlands Days, or when you maneuvered the houseboat on the Hawkesbury River. You felt guilty, but the experience was worth every penny, isn't it?
That's my dear, how good life should taste, and I want you to remember every time you spend your money. Money cannot buy you happiness, but it can help you get there, use it (correctly).
Do I think you should have saved the money so I can use later? No, I don't. I'll be alright. Like I said earlier, the stars will always be on our side.
3. Know what you're worth.
As you venture out into the big, wild, world, you will start to recognise how your family is as ordinary and middle-class as anybody else. I'm not saying it because it's a bad thing, but because I would like to let you know how grateful I am for your ordinariness.
Knowing there are times when we can treat ourselves, like getting a visit to the bookstore, with a ration of 2-3 books each, and knowing there are times when things are difficult, like the time when we had to move and live in dad's office to reduce the family's spending - made you think about life, and made you think what life is really worth.
No stuffs, no things, and certainly no branded items can determine how worthy you really are - only what you have inside; your determination, your courage, your curiousity, and what you have in each other.
I cannot make you see it now, because you will have to go through some painful process to finally see it. But to help you go through it all, I can tell you, even though painful, they will always be beautiful.
One last thing, honey. You didn't become a doctor. It turns out it wasn't right for you.
I love you.
From yourself, 10 years later.
This post is part of Women's Money Week 2012. For more posts about Money in Your 20's see Money in Your 20's/30's/40's/50's/Retirement Roundup
Thursday, March 1, 2012
Buy (and do) things which make you (truly) happy
I discovered Gretchen Rubin’s post where she writes about how “what you do every day matters more than what you do once in a while” when I was browsing through Psychology Today (which I read for fun). I was struck by how clearly the article spoke to me, and how simple and obvious things are usually the most profound.
Later, Get Rich Slowly featured an article which describes how people tend to spend on something they do rarely, instead of what they do everyday. We usually spend for our “pretend life“, a life we wish we could have (parading around with a Prada, or driving a car you couldn’t afford, for example?), instead of investing in real life.
What have the articles got to do anything? Everything, our happiness, and (of course), our finance. I believe they demonstrate the fundamental of financial wisdom, spend on things you do every day.
As we know it, personal values, emotions, and environment underlie our spending pattern, and although it sounds simple, the great introspection required to understand them maybe not so.
Later, Get Rich Slowly featured an article which describes how people tend to spend on something they do rarely, instead of what they do everyday. We usually spend for our “pretend life“, a life we wish we could have (parading around with a Prada, or driving a car you couldn’t afford, for example?), instead of investing in real life.
What have the articles got to do anything? Everything, our happiness, and (of course), our finance. I believe they demonstrate the fundamental of financial wisdom, spend on things you do every day.
As we know it, personal values, emotions, and environment underlie our spending pattern, and although it sounds simple, the great introspection required to understand them maybe not so.
Friday, February 24, 2012
What's your trade-offs?
Q: “What thing about humanity surprises you the most?” A: Man. Because he sacrifices his health in order to make money. Then he sacrifices his money to recuperate his health.Then he is so anxious about the future that he does not enjoy the present, and as a result he does not live in the present or the future. He lives as if he’s never going to die, and then he dies having never really lived.” - Dalai Lama
I first learned about opportunity cost a couple of years ago, in my Economics class, discussing about sustainable resource management, and putting a value to conservation efforts as opposed to development plans.
In making a choice, we are foregoing or sacrificing the cost (or value) of the second best alternative. The cost can be monetary, or non-monetary, like time, pleasure or other benefits which contributes to the overall utility (or happiness) of the foregone choice. In other words, trade-offs.
When I look at how much I’ve spent in 2011 for books, I realised I could have saved the money, and fund my first smartphone (a purchase I’ve deferred to more than a year already) with it. But when I dig deeper, books matter to me in more ways than a smartphone could, books gave me more happiness (or utility) way beyond what I can imagine a smartphone could provide me.
(On a side note, I still have a lustful desire for a smartphone. Happiness, desire, needs stand at a different angular facets of our life, I am beginning to learn).
I felt like a lightning struck inside my head, a moment of clarity I rarely encounter; I have made a trade-off.
The experience kick-started a series of reflection over the week, as I go through my day at home and at work. I am noticing trade-offs, big or small, in my life.
Running, so I can sleep better. Working late, at the expense of my own self development/social life. Eating out, so I get my share of vegetables (I only eat bread, egg, instant noodle, or canned soup at home). Paying more for rent, because I like my privacy.
Some trade-offs are bigger, more complex and intertwined. Like choosing to work at my current workplace, because they give deserving pay (I am able to spend willingly on myself, and on others, and I am able to plan for the future), because I enjoy the dynamic, the pressure, and the challenges it demands of myself (I am experiencing steep learning curve everyday, dealing with C-level executives and executing my tasks with confidence), and because it has an expiry date (the project I’m working on ends in 2013 – it gives me the leeway to plan for other things, in the future - gallivanting in Europe for example).
I am doing so at the expense of something else, of course, a long term secured job, saving for bigger things like a new car or a house (or even the chance to settle down and start a family). Are they the cost I’m willing to pay at the expense of my own independence, flexibility, and freedom? I would have liked to answer yes, but honestly, I don’t know.
How do you know if you are trading off the wrong things?
Saturday, February 18, 2012
Sense of right and wrong
When did it all began? I remember seeking to start a conversation with a virtual friend during my freshman years. She had just found her salvation through a close-knitted religious group abroad after a difficult break-up of her engagement, while I was fresh out of my high school experience – learning to swim in the confusion tides of different thoughts, cultures, and beliefs.
I was beginning to realise probably everything I was taught to believe in is inaccurate1, or off-the-mark (I’m avoiding the word “wrong”, for its definitive nature), so I told her, “I want to start all over again. From zero. I want to look at the world from a plain view of flat nothingness. Not guided or influenced by pre-conception of things I’ve been taught before.“
She was quiet, a silence I gather a result of being stunned. I have said something out of norm, I have stepped into a dangerous territory.
“What do you mean by starting from zero?” She asked. I was going to say, from belief to non-belief, and probably to belief again. Just like experiment, when you want to find out the effect of something new, you have to remove all variables and start all over again, right? But I refrained myself.
We didn’t continue our conversation. The friendship tapered off as the years gone by. She married a man she knew in the community she was involved in and had a daughter I’ve never met, while I continue to swim in my ocean of great confusion.
Today, I realised, it all started like a great snowball of chain reactions. I had in me planted a seed of doubt, and it has grown malignantly inside my head like a tumour. Infecting my earlier beliefs, thoughts and convictions. Manifesting abnormal symptoms and alienating behaviours. I am infected and there is no turning back.
I was beginning to realise probably everything I was taught to believe in is inaccurate1, or off-the-mark (I’m avoiding the word “wrong”, for its definitive nature), so I told her, “I want to start all over again. From zero. I want to look at the world from a plain view of flat nothingness. Not guided or influenced by pre-conception of things I’ve been taught before.“
She was quiet, a silence I gather a result of being stunned. I have said something out of norm, I have stepped into a dangerous territory.
“What do you mean by starting from zero?” She asked. I was going to say, from belief to non-belief, and probably to belief again. Just like experiment, when you want to find out the effect of something new, you have to remove all variables and start all over again, right? But I refrained myself.
We didn’t continue our conversation. The friendship tapered off as the years gone by. She married a man she knew in the community she was involved in and had a daughter I’ve never met, while I continue to swim in my ocean of great confusion.
Today, I realised, it all started like a great snowball of chain reactions. I had in me planted a seed of doubt, and it has grown malignantly inside my head like a tumour. Infecting my earlier beliefs, thoughts and convictions. Manifesting abnormal symptoms and alienating behaviours. I am infected and there is no turning back.
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