Sense and Sensibility: A girl's guide to friendship

It took me a week to finish Sense and Sensibility, my first Jane Austen’s novels.

Watching the 1995’s version of the book at the beginning wasn’t helping. Because Austen’s detailed description of her plots and lengthy dialogues sometimes drained my patience, and having known the ending to the story added the labor.

Nevertheless, Austen’s meticulous and sometimes ironic observation of her society kept me glued to the book through to the end. Although many who hasn’t read Austen would quickly assume her novels are about romance and the pursuit of marriage, which is correct in a sense. But in Sense and Sensibility, the plot is not as important as the picture depicted by Austen about the 1800s’ society’s manners. In a culture where single girls’ ultimate job is being pretty and getting married, Austen women shines through as witty and intellect persons.

Marriage and courtship aside, what struck me most with Sense and Sensibility is how the relationship between the female characters was portrayed. The dynamics behind relationships of each character posed an uncanny resemblance to my personal experiences and observations of today’s women.

Sense and Sensibility tells the story of Dashwood sisters, Marianne and Elinor, who are naturally opposites. Cautious Elinor believes in careful discretion with others, while Marianne is fiery, as she doesn’t believe in concealing her emotions.

After the demise of their father, the Dashwood sisters, together with their mother and another younger sister, Margaret, was forced to move out of their house in Norland Park since by inheritance, the house falls to their half-brother, John Dashwood, whose wife Fanny, is as cunning as her proud mother, Mrs. Ferrars. Through a brief encounter with Edward Ferrars, Fanny’s brother, Elinor was believed by her mother and sisters to have gained his affections.

The family moved to Barton Park by the kind offer of the Dashwood’s cousin, Sir John Middleton. At the Barton Park Marianne’s romance began with Willoughby, and Elinor was surprised with an engagement news of Lucy Steeles to Edward. The sisters rollercoaster pursuits of love took many surprising turns where in the end, cost Marianne her health.

Although the main plot was about Elinor and Marianne’s journeys towards marriage, Sense and Sensibility talks about the characters’ relationships with each other in depth and almost with similar weight. Given that almost 80 percent of the characters are women; five Dashwoods, two Steeles, a Middleton, a Jennings, a Ferrars, the story centres around the relationship amongst these women, and Austen description of her characters is so sharp we could share their passion and sometimes feel their cunning motives.

Frank vs. Prudent

Having received their education from independent readings, both Elinor and Marianne are individuals of their own opinions. Even Margaret their younger sister, adores Mrs. Jennings, Sir John’s mother-in-law, because she talks about things and not just the weather.

However, the manners which two sisters carry their opinions are different, as Marianne prefers to let her opinion heard and her feeling portrayed. For example, her acquaintance with Fanny and Lady Middleton, Sir John’s wife, was never tolerated because she couldn’t stand the rudeness and insipid selfishness on their part. On the other hand, Elinor, although having different ideas to her counterpart, she often act primarily to their interest. Like when Robert Ferrars, Edward’s brother was talking narcissistically about his plan and love of cottage, Elinor simply agreed to him because she doesn’t think he deserved the compliments of rational opposition.

Marianne’s approach could easily cost her company, because demonstrating disagreement with someone’s personality would discourage any friendly attempts on his or her side. But having Elinor’s prudence, on the other hand, means to tolerate bland conversations and company made for sheer reasons of flattery and insincerity.

In want of understanding

One of the reasons which makes Austen’s characters outstanding is it seems each one of the women is making friends with the other for their personal reasons. Perhaps it can be viewed as opportunistic, but I rather see because these women, in the company of each other’s comfort, need an understanding which validate their characters. For example, Lady Middleton, unlike her mother and husband, is a lady of elegance and very little words whose comfort seem to be found only in her children. She is uncomfortable around the Dashwoods, because she was ashamed of doing nothing before them. Though she was pleased with Fanny, as there was a kind of cold-hearted selfishness on both sides; which mutually attracted them.

Meanwhile, Lucy Steeles, to whom Elinor is her bane of existence for obtaining Edwards regards. She was henceforth determined to demonstrate their close engagement by insistently talking about it with Elinor, in agreeable manner, which in turn makes it difficult for Elinor to refuse or ignore.

Austen’s guide to friendships

As simple as it is, and as anybody in any field would recommend it - being confident with ourselves and having a life of our own is the only key to great friendship with our female counterparts.

Elinor and Marianne surpassed the superficiality of Lady Middleton or Lucy Steeles because both of the Dashwood sisters understand their own strength and weaknesses and respect each other for it. There was no attempt to conceal their opinions from each other simply for acceptance or in the act of kindness. Meanwhile, by being grateful with what we have and pursuing our dreams which make us whole, we’ll be making friends with people of similar goals who could offer us momentous inspirations. Instead of, God forbid, making friends with people whom we need approval from for the lack of our drive and dreams.

Perhaps it can be argued Elinor and Marianne is the best of friends because they are sisters. Not entirely true. Because I never had any sister, but I do have friends of the same credibility as both Elinor and Marianne, and all of which are as independent, strong and expressive.

It is true too, usually my closest friends are the one I am harshest to, while others to whom I didn’t offer my two cents, perhaps because I don’t think they deserved the compliments of rational opposition.

Tudung: Beyond Face Value

Tudung (Hijab); Beyond Face Value
By Salinah Aliman
Bridges Books, 100 pages

I read once about the guy around the block, a term coined for a man encountered by a woman more than once in her life as a partner during a separate time in a different life.

As such, this book is therefore the book around the block for me.

The thought-provoking title of the book had caught my attention while I was in Dar-ul-Kutub (The House of Books), the university bookstore when I was a freshman. I had bought and read it with a sense of pride and entitlement of a lifelong hijabi. I hadn’t read it with the intention to learn, but simply to affirm and decidedly prove what I had already believed in.

Simply put, the book was taken for granted. Now the book sits silently, its spine fought itself to surface amongst other books covered in dust.

A couple of weeks ago, I received a gift from my blogger friend. As the gift arrived while I was in a rush to leave for official matters in Kuala Lumpur, I took the package with me partly hoping to open it somewhere on the road, only to bring it home yet untouched.

I opened the parcel excitedly the following morning, as the book cover made its way through the torned package, I felt my breath hung in the air. Ever wonder how it feels like to meet the ex-boyfriend on the street, only to fall in love again as if for the first time? Oh, you know the drill.

The coffee table book was published in Singapore, it features a calm and thoughtful reading on the issues centering tudung and those who dons it. A collection of articles presented are adorned with articulate and meaningful photography, and written by authors ranging from knowledgeable Imaam and religious scholars, to freelance writers and filmmakers, to women of different professions; doctors, software engineers, and proud mothers.

In the book, tudung is aptly introduced in the first chapter in relation to its status in Islam and how it is significant spiritually and socially. The inter-dependent relationship between faith and modesty was explained, hence putting hijab as one of the important benchmarks in Muslim women’s life.

Reading Tudung:Beyond Face Value again allows me to finally relate to and understand the experiences of being a tudung-clad woman as portrayed in the articles. Despite being a religious conduct, donning hijab in Malaysia (as in Singapore and other multiracial countries) can be a cultural practice, which is not at all wrong for it helps with nurturing the practice. But in the end, embracing the spiritual meaning tudung entails to its wearer is undoubtedly a personal choice and responsibility.

I particularly love the articles in the final chapters where female writers themselves conclude tudung is but another article of clothing taken out of deliberate choice. A woman’s true value and beauty is to be seen beyond her outward appearance. Ironic as it may seem, but it actually applies to every woman out there of all races and religions.

While a Muslim woman is not to be judged as being oppressed when she put her hijab on, she herself is ever more encouraged to look beyond religious and cultural differences to bridge mutual respect and compassion to everyone in the society.

Tudung:Beyond Face Value is a great source of reflection for everyone from all walks of life, its contents are especially befitting to a multiracial and diverse country like Singapore, Malaysia, and Indonesia. In fact, the term unity in diversity is portrayed accurately enough in the book where I think we Malaysian lots have a lot to learn from.

Much ado about works

How many of us today stands in front of the mirror and consequently feels proud of what we are now, without a hint of regret for not following our young dreams we had once upon a time?

How many of us today are still wondering why, for the love of God, are we still putting off those wishes we intend to pursue one day?

How many of us today are going to work simply because it pays?

It’s not easy making decisions for ourselves these days as a young adults. Because everyone in the world is ever so prepared to give us their two cents worth of advices of how things should go from now on, having finished the excruciating university years and holding a degree in our hands now.

It’s suffocating too, sometimes. Because all you get upon greetings by former teachers, long lost friends or distant relatives is so, what are you doing now? It’s only been a month since we finished our bachelor’s degree, we haven’t even had our convocation ceremony yet! Still, in no time we are being landed (forcefully or not) on the tracks of the rat race.

I have the chance to encounter several people in different lines of works which I took advices from on the career path I’m going to take. A lot inspires me, a few are merely sensible, while notable ones are, sad to say, downright ridiculous. The following I already put in a different categories:

1. The academia lots.

I stumbled upon a relative, who is seemingly a successful academician with big cars and a large mansion. Admittedly an expert among students, she asked me what are my plan after graduation. I answered simply, light as a day without realizing I had mentioned about declining an offer to be a lecturer. To my surprise, she suddenly broke into a fit, saying I had thrown a good offer out of the window. To add to the grievance, she confidently mentioned about how slim my chance is to get the scholarship I wanted for my choice of study.

I might risk a confrontation by saying it, but few of my lecturers are not quite different too. It shocked me to see how pathological the drive of certain people to step up the academic world. It’s barking mad!

Fortunately, a lecturer or two are clearly passionate with their subjects. Like Mr. S, whom with confidence had defended his subjects with a great stance of at least if I die, I can say I had learned about the world a little bit more than others. It was about the only time a profit-driven bioprocess expert earned my admiration.

2. The survivor lots

We might have chosen different things to prioritize in life. Some chooses family, some chooses career, some chooses religion. Different as it may be, each of us have a reason to inspire, as long as we are doing things we deserve to do. I talked to a TUNZA journalist I had met in Cologne. Affable but composed, she told me about how she wanted to write. As she had studied poetry in college. But as she had her baby, she had to work for something more tangible. A friend of mine is eager to start her family, right after graduation. Two are already engaged and soon to be married. For my friends, the foundation for their cause would be their family and how they want to build the foundation.

Oh, how it would take a lot of guts, and it offers every reasons to inspire. Setting yourself aside for others, practicing for altruism and philanthropic world? Family is always a good place to start!

3. The passionate lots.

These would be of those who started off doing something and ended up doing something else, and those who is simply inspiring in their everyday job, no matter what they do or how they do it.

Mr. Songpol, with his calm demeanours and smiling face, had easily chatted to me while we are waiting for our servings at a brauhaus in the cold city of Cologne. An engineering graduate turns news editor at the Bangkok Post, he assures me how a journalist doesn’t actually need to be all rapturous and vibrant, because it’ll defeat the purpose of observing people and turning the live situation into words later.

My female icons are endless, each with her own strength and beliefs in her advocates. Be it in women right, environment, or humanities. A supervisor who took me under her wing during my internship is one such individual, I am still scared of her (but inspired, nevertheless), sometimes.

I recently learned about Zainah Anwar, and decided to take after her in certain things. Chong Sheau Ching is still my favorite author, for I share similar academic background and working aspirations as she had. Kathleen Kelly, Celine, Maddie, and Tessa, all are my favorite characters I base my dreams on.

My mother had asked me few times about what I actually dream to work as, I could not really give her a straight answer. For I can only take one step at a time for now, each step I intend to take me closer to my dreams. As any other youth, I want to believe I can trust in my dreams, and I wish for those around me to have faith in my dreams. If we want a freedom to make choices, we believe the freedom to make the choice is now. All we are asking for is faith, a faith in these young hands to carve their own future.

To my friends, I know it’s not easy to make the decision on our own sometimes. But stand up for what we believe in, and people will see how trust can be put upon our shoulders. Read, go out, get to know more people - it will make you see how those dreams, stored at the back of your minds, are all made to be real.

So, are you today where you want to be?