Sunday, June 28, 2009
Providence
There is a certain mould to the man's face which endears me to touch them. Perhaps it's only the working of a nature, fate, or an ethereal force to such longing. These days, as I look around the horizon to which my life had grown, spun around and sat still, I see only these feelings as no more than a beauty in the life itself. It's no longer a reward nor it is a punishment.
The neatly stitched and coal black brows, the strong jaws and the not entirely done sun-kissed hair do not seem to do justice to the far-away and foreboding look on his face. I wish I was there, by his side to wash all the confusions away. What, I wonder, is in his mind?
My ability to sustain my feelings within me are getting rustier over time. I used to appear blank-faced, emotionless, and even a tad too comforted with snobbery. These days, my empathy always seem to fail me. I smiled to the most fearsome stranger, I blurted a little hello to the dogs lazing around in the sun, I cried shamelessly for the little boys burnt by greed and intolerance. I can no longer keep myself invisible, for the world has already seen me for what I am; a human being with a flood of emotions within me.
Now the stranger, clad in his black shirt flagged by the wealth of his friends, is exploding my heart with ache. The rush of feelings I am flooded with at the mere sight of his face choke my throat, for even gargantuan what grows inside me for him, it can never be born to the reality of life.
But despair I am not, because I believe even such misopportunity is a providence from above. It will be difficult to forget such genteel smile and delicate touch, but it will not be impossible to cease remembering them. It will be devastating to let go of the world full of hope in his eyes, but it will be indefinitely fulfilling to close those eyes and keep them in my memories. The key, my friend, to such impossibility is to live on.
Friday, June 26, 2009
Tukar Budaya
Kalau ada satu perkara yang saya boleh kongsi dengan semua anak-anak muda di Malaysia tentang apa yang saya perolehi sepanjang pengajian saya di Australia, ialah tentang luasnya dunia yang boleh kita terokai kalau kita mahu.
Memang benar, bukan senang mendapat peluang menjejak kaki ke negara orang. Tapi titik mula kembara kita tidak semestinya bermula di luar sempadan Malaysia. Setelah hampir setahun menghabiskan masa saya di Australia yang asalnya saya buru kerana saya mahu lari dari tanah air sendiri, sekarang saya tidak sabar pula mahu kembali ke Malaysia. Sebab saya tahu, apa yang saya alami dan pelajari di sini, kalau saya mahu semuanya saya boleh praktiskan di Malaysia.
Lebih 20 tahun membesar dalam komuniti Melayu, di sini saya mula menikmati kelebihan berkenalan dengan sahabat-sahabat dari pelbagai negara dan bangsa. Masing-masing mempunyai cerita dan pengalaman unik yang tersendiri. Teman serumah saya dari Itali memasak pasta paling sedap pernah saya rasa. Sahabat saya, chef dari Australia sangat meminati budaya India sehingga hampir semua sejarah, mitos, dan pengetahuan am tentang India boleh dia ceritakan kepada saya.
Buat seketika, di sini saya melihat dan mampu percaya dengan dunia persahabatan tanpa sempadan.
Begitu juga dengan falsafah “bekerja untuk hidup” yang diamalkan oleh kebanyakan penduduk Australia. Ini adalah satu lagi perkara baru yang saya belajar di sini. Bagi mereka, pekerjaan cuma satu cara untuk memenuhi perkara-perkara yang mereka mahu capai dalam hidup, bukannya matlamat dalam hidup itu sendiri. Oleh sebab itu, saya dapati ramai yang saya kenali di sini mempunyai pandangan hidup yang sangat menyenangkan. Hari-hari minggu penduduk di Australia dipenuhi dengan aktiviti-aktiviti luar seperti bersukan, piknik, dan berkhemah.
Selain itu, saya dapat lihat bagaimana pembangunan ekonomi yang pesat seiring dengan penjagaan alam sekitar yang rapi mampu meningkatkan taraf hidup rakyat Australia. Dengan adanya sistem kenderaan awam yang sistematik dan efisien, bandar Sydney dan kawasan-kawasan sekitarnya boleh dilawati dengan mudah tanpa memerlukan kenderaan peribadi. Begitu juga dengan kemudahan awam di kawasan rekreasi dan taman negara, hanya dengan kos yang rendah saya boleh berkhemah di kawasan rekreasi sekitar Sydney tanpa perlu risau akan keperluan keselamatan atau keselesaan diri kerana semuanya disediakan dan dijaga dengan baik oleh kerajaan tempatan dan negeri.
Melihat taraf dan kualiti hidup yang tinggi di Australia meningkatkan azam saya untuk mengamalkan ilmu sarjana dan pengalaman yang saya perolehi di sini di Malaysia. Bagi saya, tidak mustahil satu hari nanti, sekiranya anak-anak muda Malaysia mengamalkan budaya meneroka dunia tapi di masa yang sama menanam nilai untuk berbakti di tanah air sendiri, negara kita satu hari nanti mampu mengorak langkah standing dengan negara-negara maju yang lain.
Memang benar, bukan senang mendapat peluang menjejak kaki ke negara orang. Tapi titik mula kembara kita tidak semestinya bermula di luar sempadan Malaysia. Setelah hampir setahun menghabiskan masa saya di Australia yang asalnya saya buru kerana saya mahu lari dari tanah air sendiri, sekarang saya tidak sabar pula mahu kembali ke Malaysia. Sebab saya tahu, apa yang saya alami dan pelajari di sini, kalau saya mahu semuanya saya boleh praktiskan di Malaysia.
Lebih 20 tahun membesar dalam komuniti Melayu, di sini saya mula menikmati kelebihan berkenalan dengan sahabat-sahabat dari pelbagai negara dan bangsa. Masing-masing mempunyai cerita dan pengalaman unik yang tersendiri. Teman serumah saya dari Itali memasak pasta paling sedap pernah saya rasa. Sahabat saya, chef dari Australia sangat meminati budaya India sehingga hampir semua sejarah, mitos, dan pengetahuan am tentang India boleh dia ceritakan kepada saya.
Buat seketika, di sini saya melihat dan mampu percaya dengan dunia persahabatan tanpa sempadan.
Begitu juga dengan falsafah “bekerja untuk hidup” yang diamalkan oleh kebanyakan penduduk Australia. Ini adalah satu lagi perkara baru yang saya belajar di sini. Bagi mereka, pekerjaan cuma satu cara untuk memenuhi perkara-perkara yang mereka mahu capai dalam hidup, bukannya matlamat dalam hidup itu sendiri. Oleh sebab itu, saya dapati ramai yang saya kenali di sini mempunyai pandangan hidup yang sangat menyenangkan. Hari-hari minggu penduduk di Australia dipenuhi dengan aktiviti-aktiviti luar seperti bersukan, piknik, dan berkhemah.
Selain itu, saya dapat lihat bagaimana pembangunan ekonomi yang pesat seiring dengan penjagaan alam sekitar yang rapi mampu meningkatkan taraf hidup rakyat Australia. Dengan adanya sistem kenderaan awam yang sistematik dan efisien, bandar Sydney dan kawasan-kawasan sekitarnya boleh dilawati dengan mudah tanpa memerlukan kenderaan peribadi. Begitu juga dengan kemudahan awam di kawasan rekreasi dan taman negara, hanya dengan kos yang rendah saya boleh berkhemah di kawasan rekreasi sekitar Sydney tanpa perlu risau akan keperluan keselamatan atau keselesaan diri kerana semuanya disediakan dan dijaga dengan baik oleh kerajaan tempatan dan negeri.
Melihat taraf dan kualiti hidup yang tinggi di Australia meningkatkan azam saya untuk mengamalkan ilmu sarjana dan pengalaman yang saya perolehi di sini di Malaysia. Bagi saya, tidak mustahil satu hari nanti, sekiranya anak-anak muda Malaysia mengamalkan budaya meneroka dunia tapi di masa yang sama menanam nilai untuk berbakti di tanah air sendiri, negara kita satu hari nanti mampu mengorak langkah standing dengan negara-negara maju yang lain.
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Anne of Green Gables
"Read it with a box of Kleenex", Kelly's mom told one of her little readers.
I read Anne of Green Gables, I laughed, I cried, I laughed again, and then I slept with the brightest smile on my face - optimistic of the dream to come.
Anne of Green Gables tells the story of Marilla and Mathew Cuthbert who incidentally landed themselves with an orphaned girl when they had wanted a boy who can work their farm. The girl is Anne Shirley, a red-headed, absent-minded and earnest girl who think anything good happened to her is the best thing ever happened in the world.
The story of Anne and the people around her is a joy to read. It reminded me of what it means by being thirteen again. Although perhaps not the vivacity or the innocence of Anne, I remember how imaginations had ruled our lives and took up for what was not there in our world at the time. Gilbert Blythe is charming, and I wish Matthew Cuthbert is my uncle.
I wish to have the complete box set of the series, a wish list fairy please can you hear me?
I read Anne of Green Gables, I laughed, I cried, I laughed again, and then I slept with the brightest smile on my face - optimistic of the dream to come.
Anne of Green Gables tells the story of Marilla and Mathew Cuthbert who incidentally landed themselves with an orphaned girl when they had wanted a boy who can work their farm. The girl is Anne Shirley, a red-headed, absent-minded and earnest girl who think anything good happened to her is the best thing ever happened in the world.
The story of Anne and the people around her is a joy to read. It reminded me of what it means by being thirteen again. Although perhaps not the vivacity or the innocence of Anne, I remember how imaginations had ruled our lives and took up for what was not there in our world at the time. Gilbert Blythe is charming, and I wish Matthew Cuthbert is my uncle.
I wish to have the complete box set of the series, a wish list fairy please can you hear me?
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Seperti Belut Pulang ke Lumpur
Dua sahabat saya menyambut orang baru dalam hidup mereka dua minggu ini, seorang lagi awal bulan depan. Mereka buat saya rasa sungguh-sungguh tua.
Sungguh-sungguh sekarang saya rasa cukup dengan apa yang ada. Tempoh hari di Melbourne, bercakap-cakap tentang virus H1N1, saya tertanya-tanya pada diri sendiri - 'if I die, would I die a happy woman?'.
Memang benar ia soalan falsafah yang cukup besar, tapi buat masa ini, saya rasa saya sudah ada jawapannya.
Susah rasanya untuk tak berasa takut bila berfikir tentang masa depan, tentang apa yang bakal dan perlu saya buat, apa yang saya boleh dan mampu kecapi. Tapi dalam masa yang sama, saya mahu percaya dengan janji Tuhan, dan percaya dengan manusia-manusia agung di sekeliling saya.
Kadang-kadang, saya fikir kita ini terlalu cepat mahu mengejar satu-satu hal dalam hidup. As if life is a succession of achieving things. Apa salahnya tak mempunyai sesuatu, apa salahnya gagal, apa salahnya mempunyai kecelaan dalam hidup.
Kalau hidup saya berakhir hari ini, adakah saya akan pergi dengan hati senang? Wallahua'lam.
Sungguh-sungguh sekarang saya rasa cukup dengan apa yang ada. Tempoh hari di Melbourne, bercakap-cakap tentang virus H1N1, saya tertanya-tanya pada diri sendiri - 'if I die, would I die a happy woman?'.
Memang benar ia soalan falsafah yang cukup besar, tapi buat masa ini, saya rasa saya sudah ada jawapannya.
Susah rasanya untuk tak berasa takut bila berfikir tentang masa depan, tentang apa yang bakal dan perlu saya buat, apa yang saya boleh dan mampu kecapi. Tapi dalam masa yang sama, saya mahu percaya dengan janji Tuhan, dan percaya dengan manusia-manusia agung di sekeliling saya.
Kadang-kadang, saya fikir kita ini terlalu cepat mahu mengejar satu-satu hal dalam hidup. As if life is a succession of achieving things. Apa salahnya tak mempunyai sesuatu, apa salahnya gagal, apa salahnya mempunyai kecelaan dalam hidup.
Kalau hidup saya berakhir hari ini, adakah saya akan pergi dengan hati senang? Wallahua'lam.
Saturday, June 20, 2009
Good Food, Sore Feet, and Hearty Laugh
MY TRIP to Canberra and Melbourne seemed to be a succession of early mornings, long walks, and hearty laughs way into the late nights. I had adamantly chosen to do the overland trip instead of taking the short flights. It certainly tested the patience of some, but the long and quiet journey gave me ample opportunity to think to myself and watch the world goes by.
THE BEST THING about overland trip is seeing the landscape changes before your eyes from one place to another. From the hustle and bustle of Sydney city, the road to Canberra is characterized by brown fields, dry creeks and windmills. On the other hand, Melbourne and Victoria is a lush of green fields, dairy cows, and healthy flocks of sheep. The best of all is seeing the pack of kangaroos hopping through the hills from afar in between sheep and horses grazing the hills. It felt like heaven.
Canberra and Melbourne are TWO CONTRADICTING CITIES. While in Canberra it is difficult not to be hampered by its lack of vivacity and effervescence, the city is peaceful and inherently friendly. A good lot of effort has been put into the Australian War Memorial and the National Art Gallery, and the Lake Burley Griffin is a sight to behold.
Melbourne on the other hand, BLEW MY MIND. The mixture of old-style and edgy architectures, vivid lifestyle of the locals, and definitely wholesome and delicious food made me feel I am on vacation indeed. The road tour to the Great Ocean Road was memorable; the tour guide hilarious, the group friendly and the helicopter ride one of a kind.
THE TRIP TAUGHT ME about the loads of life to be discovered around the world I am yet to grasp. Certainly money makes the world go round, but I learned there are things I need, and there are things I can live without. Finding distinctions between the two requires discretion, and succeeding at it makes an investment of a lifetime. There's still a few things on my Australian travel wish list, and I certainly hope Rome or Marrakesh or Edinburgh is not far from the horizon, in few years time.
THE BEST THING about overland trip is seeing the landscape changes before your eyes from one place to another. From the hustle and bustle of Sydney city, the road to Canberra is characterized by brown fields, dry creeks and windmills. On the other hand, Melbourne and Victoria is a lush of green fields, dairy cows, and healthy flocks of sheep. The best of all is seeing the pack of kangaroos hopping through the hills from afar in between sheep and horses grazing the hills. It felt like heaven.
Canberra and Melbourne are TWO CONTRADICTING CITIES. While in Canberra it is difficult not to be hampered by its lack of vivacity and effervescence, the city is peaceful and inherently friendly. A good lot of effort has been put into the Australian War Memorial and the National Art Gallery, and the Lake Burley Griffin is a sight to behold.
Melbourne on the other hand, BLEW MY MIND. The mixture of old-style and edgy architectures, vivid lifestyle of the locals, and definitely wholesome and delicious food made me feel I am on vacation indeed. The road tour to the Great Ocean Road was memorable; the tour guide hilarious, the group friendly and the helicopter ride one of a kind.
THE TRIP TAUGHT ME about the loads of life to be discovered around the world I am yet to grasp. Certainly money makes the world go round, but I learned there are things I need, and there are things I can live without. Finding distinctions between the two requires discretion, and succeeding at it makes an investment of a lifetime. There's still a few things on my Australian travel wish list, and I certainly hope Rome or Marrakesh or Edinburgh is not far from the horizon, in few years time.
Sunday, June 14, 2009
The Revolutionary Road
I woke up with the heaviest tug at my heart in the morning today. I couldn't figure out why. As I walk mindlessly to the shower, thumping my body with the rain of hot water as if to shake off the bleak stance I seem to be frozen in, my diminishing reflection on the screen looked pale and ghostly.
In the kitchen later, as I was boiling the water for coffee, the sight of my smiling and merry housemates lifted up my heart. But still, I felt like I was looking at them from a distance. Suddenly the world seemed like a spinning wheel, rotating on and on as if on a leash of some invisible forces. Please, I whispered to myself, please make it stop.
It was when I walked into my room later, a cup of coffee in my hands, I saw the silent trigger of my misery. Two figures silently holding each other, their faces - their foreheads and noses barely touching, their eyes locked down. The picture stood still, and I finally remembered what it was making me mourn in the silence of early morning.
Early acquaintance
Frank and April Wheeler are the suburban couple I was acquainted with in January. Their story; their desire to break free, and their need to believe they stand above others in their quest for a self-fulfillment had drawn me in. But much to my grim surprise, watching the story was like witnessing the impending sentence of my own life.
Why, I thought, when you started to fight against life, the ordinariness of it, the superficiality of it - you can never win?
A few weeks earlier, a friend suggested I read the book. I wasn't sure I wanted to repeat the discomfort I had experienced from watching the movie. But in steel determination I peeled open the book, and I didn't put it down again until last night.
It proved to be an absorbing read, Richard Yates is as cruel as he is honest. Put simply, there is nothing extraordinary about the life of Wheelers, Campbells and Givings, but in their ordinariness lies an exemplary discovery about how raw feelings; happiness, anger, frustrations, loneliness, hatred, regret, love - even when no one likes to talk about them, are real.
Laying bare the wounds
The community Frank and April had lived in is a community I never succeeded being a part of. The crisp white houses lined by trimmed grasses, the smiles, the forever surprised look and the endless questions of what, where and how. They tire me out, they overwork my mind, they suffocate me.
I don't blame April for wanting to get away, for I know how having to appease a life you never put your heart on can take so much out of yourself. But I feel for Frank for his need of April's love and approval. Both of them, it seemed to me, in their effort to stay above others, forget they should be able to be simply themselves with each other. But they didn't, even to their own selves Frank and April had to put a front neither of them approve of.
What is it with men, when they cannot seem to get past their pride and look into themselves for their own vile weaknesses? What is it with women, with their need to appear strong when they are crumbling inside? What is it with people and pretension and false honesty?
Sometimes I wonder, is it ever worth it, this fight for self and identity; this rebellion against pre-chosen and shrink-wrapped personalities put forth to us by the society? Sometimes I wonder, why do we need so much to be alike others simply to be loved by them? Sometimes I wonder, truly what wrong is with being different?
Revolutionary Road did not answer the lots of my questions, neither did it paint an optimistic prospect to my own life. I've seen so many love crumbles before me sometimes I feel like tragedies hover above my head like a halo. But in good times when April had liked Frank and he loved her, I want to believe love can transcend emptiness and put hopes to even the barest of all land. I want to believe, even at such cruel and honest words, Richard Yates wanted us to get past them and start looking beyond mere pretense and tell our story like it is.
In the kitchen later, as I was boiling the water for coffee, the sight of my smiling and merry housemates lifted up my heart. But still, I felt like I was looking at them from a distance. Suddenly the world seemed like a spinning wheel, rotating on and on as if on a leash of some invisible forces. Please, I whispered to myself, please make it stop.
It was when I walked into my room later, a cup of coffee in my hands, I saw the silent trigger of my misery. Two figures silently holding each other, their faces - their foreheads and noses barely touching, their eyes locked down. The picture stood still, and I finally remembered what it was making me mourn in the silence of early morning.
Early acquaintance
Frank and April Wheeler are the suburban couple I was acquainted with in January. Their story; their desire to break free, and their need to believe they stand above others in their quest for a self-fulfillment had drawn me in. But much to my grim surprise, watching the story was like witnessing the impending sentence of my own life.
Why, I thought, when you started to fight against life, the ordinariness of it, the superficiality of it - you can never win?
A few weeks earlier, a friend suggested I read the book. I wasn't sure I wanted to repeat the discomfort I had experienced from watching the movie. But in steel determination I peeled open the book, and I didn't put it down again until last night.
It proved to be an absorbing read, Richard Yates is as cruel as he is honest. Put simply, there is nothing extraordinary about the life of Wheelers, Campbells and Givings, but in their ordinariness lies an exemplary discovery about how raw feelings; happiness, anger, frustrations, loneliness, hatred, regret, love - even when no one likes to talk about them, are real.
Laying bare the wounds
The community Frank and April had lived in is a community I never succeeded being a part of. The crisp white houses lined by trimmed grasses, the smiles, the forever surprised look and the endless questions of what, where and how. They tire me out, they overwork my mind, they suffocate me.
I don't blame April for wanting to get away, for I know how having to appease a life you never put your heart on can take so much out of yourself. But I feel for Frank for his need of April's love and approval. Both of them, it seemed to me, in their effort to stay above others, forget they should be able to be simply themselves with each other. But they didn't, even to their own selves Frank and April had to put a front neither of them approve of.
What is it with men, when they cannot seem to get past their pride and look into themselves for their own vile weaknesses? What is it with women, with their need to appear strong when they are crumbling inside? What is it with people and pretension and false honesty?
Sometimes I wonder, is it ever worth it, this fight for self and identity; this rebellion against pre-chosen and shrink-wrapped personalities put forth to us by the society? Sometimes I wonder, why do we need so much to be alike others simply to be loved by them? Sometimes I wonder, truly what wrong is with being different?
Revolutionary Road did not answer the lots of my questions, neither did it paint an optimistic prospect to my own life. I've seen so many love crumbles before me sometimes I feel like tragedies hover above my head like a halo. But in good times when April had liked Frank and he loved her, I want to believe love can transcend emptiness and put hopes to even the barest of all land. I want to believe, even at such cruel and honest words, Richard Yates wanted us to get past them and start looking beyond mere pretense and tell our story like it is.
Sunday, June 7, 2009
A Weekend Flagged with Cold
The weather is becoming more cruel these days. In the absence of a heater, I'm forever bundled under the thick of sweater, scarves, and ugg boots. Aspirin after aspirin I have swallowed to keep my consciousness at bay. As my friends are breaking away from the last bits of their school works, I am still glued to my desk, trying my best to be utterly optimistic about my work.
Nevertheless, I managed to include some novelty into my life in the past weekend; Volunteering with AYCC (my supervisor is a 17-year old kid who took a year off university to work on Power Shift); Swinging to Jazz and Blues Festival at the Darling Harbour (Carl Riseley is such a cheeky performer); Watched Gandhi.
As of now, I'm struggling to finish my final assignment, and the impending final exam on engineering is due on Friday, the very night my classmates are planning to have a drink at Lord Nelson's. The worst thing is, I think I'm excited to do the exam more than I want to go for the drink. Seriously, I am reveled for being a such a nerd.
Nevertheless, I managed to include some novelty into my life in the past weekend; Volunteering with AYCC (my supervisor is a 17-year old kid who took a year off university to work on Power Shift); Swinging to Jazz and Blues Festival at the Darling Harbour (Carl Riseley is such a cheeky performer); Watched Gandhi.
As of now, I'm struggling to finish my final assignment, and the impending final exam on engineering is due on Friday, the very night my classmates are planning to have a drink at Lord Nelson's. The worst thing is, I think I'm excited to do the exam more than I want to go for the drink. Seriously, I am reveled for being a such a nerd.
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
The Littlest Peace I Can Muster is for You
I have completed my third assignment of the week, another one to go which is due to be submitted by Tuesday the next week.
I cannot wait to close my eyes and think of nothing but peaceful, beautiful and funny things.
For now, what I need are two aspirins and a cup of green tea. Good bye and good night, the stranger in the sky.
I cannot wait to close my eyes and think of nothing but peaceful, beautiful and funny things.
For now, what I need are two aspirins and a cup of green tea. Good bye and good night, the stranger in the sky.
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
The Two Third of the Journey
Almost a year in Sydney. Loving my current apartment and the people I'm living with. Lovely and fierce cook, the most beautiful Italian man I've ever met. Missed the coffee chat sessions with my friends, however, and driving of course. Camping a few times. Wished I could ride more bike. Tried to go to a school party once and didn't like it. But loved dancing with the European tourists by the beach and enjoyed learning ballroom dancing a lot. Made a lot of friends, from a lot of countries. Read a lot of books, and adore the many secondhand bookstores around Sydney. Watched heaps of movies because it's cheap. Never drive, and rarely take the public transport. Walk all the time. Missed my cats, though. Attended awesome concert, visited a church, talked to strangers.
What comes next?
What comes next?
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