In Sorrow for the Last Person I Lost

I think for every relationship lost everyone is entitled to feel sorry for themselves, the key is not to overdo it. There is life to be lived, there are more people around to be loved, there are better songs to be sung, and there are more wondrous places to be visited, with or without the lost person beside you.

Besides, patah tumbuh hilang berganti, right? I can feel good things are in the air already.

Not that I was ever one in any serious relationships before. But you get me, there's always that one person you're pining on, the one you're eyeing from afar. For some weird reason and a little twist of fate, you thought both of you are meant to be together.

But no, thankfully - life is not that simple. God knows better, and indeed, how God knows better! I for one cannot imagine if everything I thought should happen would happen with the snap of a finger. Being the impulsive person I am, I think my friends would agree how safe it is for everything to be in God's hands.

So, in celebration of the sorrow I feel for the last person I lost, I am toasting to every single thing which makes my life whole - the blessings of my one of a kind family, which so far has produced the most beautiful, astounding and sainted little girls; my superfox friends, who know what it means to be a strong and attractive women; my guardian angel who on the contrary, is such a dork; thousands of pages of books I've completed; the footprints I've left in many places; the great things I've accomplished; and the amazing people I've shaken hands with - I'll continue to live, and live greatly.

What to Make of the Idea of Another Brother

Bukan, saya tak bercakap tentang sahabat-sahabat baik yang sudah melangkaui the ring of friendship dan mencapai status I know so much about you now we might as well be family. Ada banyak baiknya, first of all, kawan-kawan ini boleh jadi protector, keluarga boleh senang hati sebab tahu kita tak ke mana-mana dengan sebarangan orang, kita pun ada masa jauh boleh bergantung pada kawan-kawan untuk tengokkan keluarga.

Simbiosis, kan? That's what friendships are for. I know, because I have my share of these friends-turn-brothers.

Kali ini saya bercakap tentang a different type of brother, a half-brother, a brother who carry the blood of my father. Just him. Not my mother's.

It's inevitable. Saya rasa kami semua tahu itu. Sebetulnya, sekarang ini we're already way over it. My mom's health is a bigger concern to worry dan kami sudah belajar apa yang lebih penting. Life is short, and too precious to be angry. Tambahan lagi, on my part, loving my father is already a difficult business without complicating it further. His silences, his reserved nature (as are mine) - tak perlu lagi ditambah hal-hal yang menjauhkan kami.

My father voiced out his worry, saya, abang dan adik are among the most volatile of all. We've all seen it. Saya sendiri pun takut sebenarnya, sebab kalaupun saya kata saya sudah over it, the silent, stinging pain in my chest never seem to go away. Tuhan saja tahu apa saja boleh berlaku in a blink of a moment kalau saya impulsive.

Tapi the truth is, saya berbesar hati mahu mengenali dia. Kini adik-adik saya, bukan seorang lagi. Saya sudah damai dengan dunia. Waktu ini untuk saya cuma untuk dunia and the love I can spread around. Siapa saja, di mana saja. Life is too short.

What Makes a Wondrous Weekend?

1. The Vitamilk soy milk in the old-style bottle, just like the one I used to have in Bangkok more than 10 years ago at the street cafe to accompany our spicy and hot dinner. I suppose it has grown into a form of indulgence now when I sit with my friends we call it Ati's beer. Fair enough, a girl needs to wind down sometime too, right?

2. I love the Sydney Morning Herald weekend edition, ample magazine-quality inputs at a very low price. Occasionally I'd skim the news about my homeland, and the news review section gives me a quick read about the local scenes over the week. Political situations, I presume anywhere in the world - are hilarious.

3. Chocolate hot cross buns from the Baker's Delight is my once-a-week treat for myself. The shiny golden brush of the bun hot from the oven is simply heavenly to savour with a cup of tea. It reminds me of home, where mom and I often fill it with the smell of fresh-cooked sweet buns. The breadmaker certainly comes in handy.

4. Outer Edge in April features camping edition. I am seriously looking into a short weekend camping endeavour soon. I think it's due to something my friend and I have agreed, we would not be able to endure our working day-to-day life without going mad save from frequent return to nature every three to five months.

5. Little things, really. Like how my favorite song suddenly comes up on the radio, or when those vivid little flowers depart from the tree and land gracefully on the dirt, like fairies from heaven. Today a new company marvelled at my ability to write backwards, when in real it was my Arabic name causing it. Funny how people thought it's extraordinary we learn three languages, when I think I am still not diverse enough.

All right, I'm off for another practice session of C major study. My teacher is off to England for 5 weeks and he left me a bundle of exercise sheets. Tomorrow I'm going for a coastal walk from the Spit to Manly, it means pikelets for lunch. Toodles!

Seperti Kucing Ini, Saya Penat

Entah sebab banyak kerja, atau sebab beberapa hal gusar yang berlaku minggu lepas. I feel totally spent. Knackered, dalam kata lainnya.

Dan sebetulnya saya rindukan keluarga. Saya sepatutnya di rumah, mengambil alih urusan mak. My baby brother is taking over my place now, when I know he should've been the one out there - mengorak langkah alam dewasa dia.

Hal-hal begini, buat saya mahu lebih duduk berfikir dari ke sana sini.

Macam senang saja mahu kata saya ini anti-sosial, tapi sebetulnya I don't really hate humans. Saya cuma ada inner core yang sedikit berbeza. Untuk bersama orang, saya perlukan banyak masa untuk diri sendiri.

Cara saya proses maklumat tentang dunia, saya ambil yang tersiratnya sekali. Dengar muzik tanpa lirik pun saya rasa macam ada jarum-jarum dalam hati saya. Baca buku teks tentang ikan mati pun saya rasa luruh jantung tak boleh angkat-angkat lagi.

Kadang-kadang saya rasa punya perasaan jadi satu hukuman dalam dunia.

Tapi kadang-kadang saya buat lelucon juga, boleh jadi saya ada superpower. Apatah lagi orang macam saya cuma ada 1% saja. Unik.

The Heart of Life is Good

Just as I thought I had caught up with life and had my feet a step before everything around me, things went crumbling down again.

For one little test, one little mistake, one little fear.

But you know what, I learnt if we have good faith in life, in everyone, life couldn't be as fearful as we thought it could be.

Perfection is not a virtue, mistake is not a folly.

Another thing, everyone's opinion matters as much as your own too. Never stop listening to the little voice inside you. It's there for a reason.

I am thankful, for the comforting shrills of little ones, for the warm tales of random joy and surprises, and for the sweet company of electronic letters. All which is far, but closer than my own blood.

School and Whatnots

I'm beginning to fear environmental management is fast becoming the it-course nowadays. The course for the popular, the affluent, and the vegan hippie wannabes.

God, I'm afraid I'm going to miss the days when knowledge is knowledge.

Putting the grave note aside, classes means early bedtime and recurring dreams and nightmares. This is the paradox of my life, I go to bed tired, I dream weird dreams because I was sleeping soundly, and I wake up even more tired.

Oh, no, that wasn't really a happy not either.

Maybe it's today's gloomy weather, and these heart-wrenching tracks from The Swell Season I'm listening to.

Just like I told my brother, for some reason, I missed crying again.

Good Updates

By good updates, I mean proper updates. Of course. Not a single quotation from a novel or a short one-sentenced random thoughts which comes out of nowhere.

Proper updates - which answer the what and who and where and when and why of the recent events in my life.

1. Seriously, I think we would never realize how many muscles and bones we have in our hands until we learn to play instruments. My classical guitar lesson is progressing very well, I've learned the scale of C major and at the moment I'm practising a song the teacher had given me, which is difficult. The one I found on the internet is a bit easier and at least I can actually hear the melody.

I've also learn to play simple folks song like Silent Night and Ode to Joy, which is more gratifying as it motivates me to play more because I know I'm doing the right thing. Nevertheless, I hope I can squeeze in an hour a day to practise once the school starts later. So far it has been very therapeutic.

I'd love to buy the CD recommended by my teacher, a record by Julian Bream, apparently one of the best classical guitar player in the world. But it would require me to fork out at least a hundred dollar out of my bank. I could, but I suppose I could learn some delayed gratification now.

2. I like to think of myself as self-employed now, having to manage the new blog Green Advocates which I hope could grow into something tangible in the future. I usually spend my time working for the blog every day after breakfast until lunch time before I do any other distracting things (like watching DVDs, piling up articles on the wall, practising my guitar, reading novels).

My application to do the internship with the Global Poverty Project was unsuccessful, as did my application with Shell last semester (pretty ambitious, huh?). I suppose I need to arm myself with more skills now before I venture out again looking for new experiences. Was I not good enough, I ask myself sometimes. I don't know, but it will not stop me from looking out for more.

3. I invested 200 dollars for magazine subscription, I cringed at first, but I know I'm going to spend a lot more if I don't have them. Stopping by the news stand everytime I go out, for example, which is more dangerous for my monthly budget plan.

There are a few more plans on my own and with friends to do few things. But for now, I'm looking forward to go to classes. I'm taking two courses in policy studies, which I hope could prepare me for my PhD research brief and application. There's also the plan to settle down, but it remains to be seen depending on present and future circumstances. All in all, I somehow think I'm prepared to go back to God and talk to Him again now.

In sha Allah.

A Strong Mind, With Sweetness of Manner

"A strong mind, with sweetness of manner', made the first and the last of the description. 'That is the woman I want,' said he. 'Something a little inferior I shall of course put up with, but it must not be much. If I am a fool, I shall be a fool indeed, for I have thought on the subject more than most men.'

Persuasion by Jane Austen

Pre-Session Tell Tale

Whoever gets excited when school starts again? Whoever gladly trots the campus all the way to the bookshop to get all the prescribed textbooks and even to buy the textbook she doesn't need? Whoever checks the course outline and read for the upcoming assignments weeks before the first class begin?

I do! God, forgive me for being such a compulsive nerd.