Sometimes I'm afraid of the kind of person I'm becoming...
This strength, this stoic contentment, this feverish compulsiveness to knead every aspects of my life into perfection - they somehow feels abnormal.
I am supposed to weep, I am supposed to double over with despair, I am supposed to scream my lung out and never wake up.
But I didn't, and it scares me.
Sometimes I would go on about my life. Smiling and laughing and cheering happiness, and then I would stop short and freeze myself - paralysed with fear.
Is it today? I will ask myself.
Is it today? That I will realise that this bright crimson sunshine, clear blue sky and endless green plains are actually a dream and I will be sucked back into the vortex of my own valley of darkness? Is it today? That I will finally see the bleeding, shriveling heart of mine, and scream myself into oblivion? Is it today? That I will see myself holding crutches and find myself unable to walk?
I told someone I loved him, he smiled, and he married someone else. I moved on, we became friends and we live happily ever after.
And yet, and yet - all I want to do is scream.
