A friend of mine recently got engaged, at 23 years of age – and he’s a guy. A bold move, I would definitely say. Because as I remembered the day he announced his decision to us, his closest circle of friends; I was at a loss for words. I dashed straight to the restroom to collect my breath as soon as I got the chance to go out. I didn’t know which surprised me more, his firm decision or my unexpected reaction to the revelation.
Shamefully, I think it’s the latter.
You see, he is one of a couple of guys I had the opportunity to befriend closely for the past 4 years at college. A long time definitely, but too long I forget the time I began to take him for granted as a friend. Too long, I always have a preconceived idea about him to which I base my decisions and judgments about him – an act simplified for me, but at times are unjust to him.
I remember the early days of my junior years, I was so obsessed with analyzing every guys in the faculty because I was so determined to find at least one gentleman to fit my depiction of a real guy. I grumbled as I see no guys offering to carry the laptop or LCD projector handled willingly by girls in the class. I complained as I watched guys in reality are too boys inside, never stopping to talk about games and anime. Not so much because I was desperate to find a beau, but at the back of my mind I was so driven to prove myself right to counter my disappointing experiences with the men of my family. I was trying to put my heart at rest, to promise myself there will be a lavish green field at the end of the rainbow. There are men whom I can trust to run the world.
So these two guys; about the only males in my batch, became the scale of my measurements. At first, getting to know them was exciting. I was thrilled to apply all those theories I read in the book and to compare their actions to the scenes I had come across in films. One is the ultimate Martian – the alpha male, and another is the guy everyone is always delighted to see. Ultimately, I was trying to put their pictures to my sketch of men. Perhaps these two can be friends, real friends.
However, as the time wears on, I learned all sides of their personality, both pleasing and frustrating. Expectations I can trust be fulfilled, and expectations I know are hopeless to even think about. I no longer tried to bring out the best in my two friends, because at times I admitted to myself it was simply stupid and tiring.
One time my decision was deemed digressing, we had a total clash of worldview. Until today, it was a decision silently understood – we are going on a completely different path. We never spoke about it again. Another time I was scolded coldly for a totally inadvertent mistake, never I gain I dared to get near his prickly receptors. I navigate my ways around it, accommodating wherever I can. It was not about proving who’s right or who should change anymore – we have become a family. We accept each other as we are, but sadly, we expect no more either. We looked through each other as we do a glass, so transparent there are no questions asked anymore. We neither surprises nor disappoint one another, we only get by our lives – day in and day out without trying to understand any longer, because we thought we had enough to understand everything.
For instance, as my alpha friend grows popular after he was elected president, every one at the faculty seems to have discovered a gem. His combination of chivalry and aloofness appeared so irresistible to girls he is being talked about in every room. I had fun observing these, of course. But I also made a cruel remark about him pertaining to the issue, I remember saying coolly his kindness is magnified only because he rarely displays it. As for other people who do these things naturally, similar act of kindness are often go by unnoticed and taken for granted. Perhaps I was right, and I could be wrong too – but I didn’t care to know. Because all that is etched in my mind is his nasty mood and insensitive self.
At the same time, I was growing up too. I had become stronger and more independent; there are things I couldn’t do before I am capable to manage now. I am reaching out farther away. Before I realized it, I was trying to repeat the same cycle I had started before, looking for greener pastures. My friends become a shadow in the background, I forgot the simple fact – their mere presence actually confirms my existence of who I am now.
So as my friend announced his engagement, I was choked with surprise; happiness or sadness I was uncertain. I questioned his action by doubting him, as I would always do based on my database of his demeanors. Afterwards, I tried to understand his decision by sieving through our pictures at being friends together for a nearly 5 years, and I was surprised at how big an influence these two friends are to me. Looking back now, he caused me a suddenly painful realization. He is – as much as I am – a human being, capable of making choices which will make him a better person or not. However, as he has proven it, my friend chose to live for a greater cause, to take up a responsibility which will determine the course of his life at so early age – even too early for me as a girl. Therefore I think I owe him one: my friend, you’re the man.
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