Why change is scary

Because it’s telling us why it matters.

I used to be a spoiled and doted daughter whom everything is taken care of. Once when I was 7 years old, I cried and kicked the bedroom window because my brother didn’t want to help me with my school homework. I suffered two inches scar on my left foot and enjoyed two months breaks from school. My habits continued until after high school where I was incapable of doing things on my own without the presence of my parents.

All it takes to change me was the news of my dad’s second marriage.

Perhaps my example is too harsh, but forceful or voluntary, changes in our lives are inevitable. Whether it is decided out of our self-introspection or due to life major events, change will always comes knocking at our door.

Deciding to change

Andrew Matthews, the author of Happiness Now puts a funny metaphor to life where we tend to be comfortable with the way things are around us even when it’s not good. It’s like getting into an initially smelly bathroom and after a while sitting in it, we ask, what smell?

Which is why it is important for us to change while we are still aware of things that bother us.

Dreaming of studying that one course? Find a way to do it! Having been in a negative relationship for far too long? Leave it! As for my case, I had asked myself four years ago, do I still want to count on dad when he might have another daughters and sons he cares about? No, I’ve got to take care of myself now!

Change is bold, change is daring, change is adventurous. To change means to put a break to our moving lives, to stop and think about it, and finally to change the course of our direction.

Hardly easy, right?

But it’s how it is. However, I assure you, once we get around to it, things become easier and easier. Once we accept changes are only a part of life, and we learned how to deal with it, it doesn’t matter if the change is difficult.

Why change is scary

So what makes changes scary? Deriving from personal experiences, I recognize several fears that are holding us back from taking that first step.

• We’re afraid of our own potential. 

‘Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure‘, so wrote Marianne Williamson in her book, A Return to Love. Once we decide to realize our potential, the bar for our standard will be heightened and we have to act accordingly. It takes willingness, discipline, and a lot of courage. Which explains why most people opt to stay in their comfort zone. Because it sure sounds like a lot of hard works to me. 

• We’re afraid of failure and disappointment. 

Starting a new thing doesn’t guarantee us immediate success or results. Not knowing itself is scary. Changing puts our present status quo at stake, and we are not willing to feel inferior again (remember our first day at new school?). Thinking about the what-ifs and the future makes us anxious and uncertain to pursue it. Why sacrifice what we already have now for something we are not sure of in the future? Regardless whether now is helpful enough or not, at least now we have something!

• We need other people’s approval. 

I think the biggest challenge of all for us to change for the better is because no man is an island. Consciously or subconsciously, we live with a sense of belief that our worth is dependent on other people’s approval. Often it becomes our excuse for not doing anything, because we don’t want to disrupt the established status quo we have in our social circle. To change means to step out of our character, to manifest our beliefs which might contradict others’ ways of life. In the present society where conformity is important, unless you’re a born loner, you definitely don’t want to stick out like a sore thumb among your peers.

But changes are still necessary, right?

Changes come in our life as opportunities, emotional pains, physical trauma. It sends a message to us to re-assess our life, and change our life patterns. To change means to evolve, and to evolve means to progress. In addition, no one is responsible for our personal growth but ourselves.

These fears, as intimidating as they are, are opportunities to build us. The key is to take time to learn about it, face it head on and use it to our advantage.

Remember what Tsun Zu said, keep our friends close and keep our enemies closer.

A certain sweet experience

I hadn’t look forward for the trip home, dreading the 8 hours journey through the suburb areas of the east coast. It wasn’t the scenery I loathed, for I had ardently enjoyed my trip going back and forth through the states before - I was driving on my own, singing out loud to the maximum volume of the radio station and cussing freely without offending anybody to whom I intended for.

It was the cruel incumbent requirement of sitting still on my number 1A seat, right behind the bus driver, the limitation of not being able to speak out loud to my desired judgment, and the restriction on my singing needs - despite my actual ability (or, inability) to sing.

Rather pessimistic, I vowed to myself not to have any expectation for the journey - I shall be content with the passing of time until I finally reach home.

Until he climbed aboard and sat beside me.

I was working on my sudoku puzzle, with the TIME magazine on my lap - two actions which I know would immediately drive any man my age away. Learning from my personal experience and close observation of my community members, I realize that seriousness and maturity is not very popular in the romance industry - which, believe me my readers, I am one expert at.

Stealing a quick glance to my left, I made a full first impression of his physical appearance - striped t-shirt, jeans, a pair of boots, and a backpack. I scrolled down through my interpretations - already working, slightly settled with himself, but not confident enough with how his life’s heading so far.

He picked up his phone, and talking rather sweetly to the caller - taken, I decided. I smiled to myself, returning to the singing of Michael Buble in my head. I could easily ask his destination, and his name and what he’s doing. Because despite my introvert nature, I approach stranger rather easily as I willed. But given my recent miscalculated events with not one but three guys, I pushed away the thought of even trying.

(Now, I am NOT going to write about my one pathological need of making a version of my perfect guy out of every man I met)

So passed half of our journey with me from time to time leafing through the magazine, working on my puzzle (I managed to finish two sets), and singing casually to my phone. I walked pass him with difficulty as I was rushing to the restroom and him still sitting rather sleepily on his seat, and we had exchanged a quick stare while buying drinks in the restaurant, obviously checking out on each other.

Why, you cannot deny nature - opposites do attracts. Man and woman - the ultimate yin and yang.

So on the next half of our journey, he began our introduction by offering me his set of sweets - which unfortunately I am not a fan of. But I had returned his kindness with simple questions - of his destination, his job, and the place where he studied. A quiet guy, and definitely not a sweet-talker - but suited enough for my casual interest. He made a comment on my lack of east coast accent, and I had happily explained the twist of my nationality and birth place. Talking and talking, rather relaxed and unfazed, we laughed, and receded back to our silent self to enjoy the rest of the journey.

Carefully, we managed to avoid the dangerous waters.

He had to part at the earlier destination, and both of us sighed with relief at the obligatory separation - as if there was a silent pact between us, we are not going to tread the unthinkable. So, as he jokingly invited me to join him and I declined his offer with a laugh - we said our goodbyes.

We did not exchanged names, more so our phone numbers.

Reaching home, I stepped out of the bus with a smile on my face, triumphantly rejoicing the success of avoiding the temptation to create another chapter of disaster in my life.

This one, this story, this journey - is going to be the sweet filler.