Why change is scary

Because it’s telling us why it matters.

I used to be a spoiled and doted daughter whom everything is taken care of. Once when I was 7 years old, I cried and kicked the bedroom window because my brother didn’t want to help me with my school homework. I suffered two inches scar on my left foot and enjoyed two months breaks from school. My habits continued until after high school where I was incapable of doing things on my own without the presence of my parents.

All it takes to change me was the news of my dad’s second marriage.

Perhaps my example is too harsh, but forceful or voluntary, changes in our lives are inevitable. Whether it is decided out of our self-introspection or due to life major events, change will always comes knocking at our door.

Deciding to change

Andrew Matthews, the author of Happiness Now puts a funny metaphor to life where we tend to be comfortable with the way things are around us even when it’s not good. It’s like getting into an initially smelly bathroom and after a while sitting in it, we ask, what smell?

Which is why it is important for us to change while we are still aware of things that bother us.

Dreaming of studying that one course? Find a way to do it! Having been in a negative relationship for far too long? Leave it! As for my case, I had asked myself four years ago, do I still want to count on dad when he might have another daughters and sons he cares about? No, I’ve got to take care of myself now!

Change is bold, change is daring, change is adventurous. To change means to put a break to our moving lives, to stop and think about it, and finally to change the course of our direction.

Hardly easy, right?

But it’s how it is. However, I assure you, once we get around to it, things become easier and easier. Once we accept changes are only a part of life, and we learned how to deal with it, it doesn’t matter if the change is difficult.

Why change is scary

So what makes changes scary? Deriving from personal experiences, I recognize several fears that are holding us back from taking that first step.

• We’re afraid of our own potential. 

‘Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure‘, so wrote Marianne Williamson in her book, A Return to Love. Once we decide to realize our potential, the bar for our standard will be heightened and we have to act accordingly. It takes willingness, discipline, and a lot of courage. Which explains why most people opt to stay in their comfort zone. Because it sure sounds like a lot of hard works to me. 

• We’re afraid of failure and disappointment. 

Starting a new thing doesn’t guarantee us immediate success or results. Not knowing itself is scary. Changing puts our present status quo at stake, and we are not willing to feel inferior again (remember our first day at new school?). Thinking about the what-ifs and the future makes us anxious and uncertain to pursue it. Why sacrifice what we already have now for something we are not sure of in the future? Regardless whether now is helpful enough or not, at least now we have something!

• We need other people’s approval. 

I think the biggest challenge of all for us to change for the better is because no man is an island. Consciously or subconsciously, we live with a sense of belief that our worth is dependent on other people’s approval. Often it becomes our excuse for not doing anything, because we don’t want to disrupt the established status quo we have in our social circle. To change means to step out of our character, to manifest our beliefs which might contradict others’ ways of life. In the present society where conformity is important, unless you’re a born loner, you definitely don’t want to stick out like a sore thumb among your peers.

But changes are still necessary, right?

Changes come in our life as opportunities, emotional pains, physical trauma. It sends a message to us to re-assess our life, and change our life patterns. To change means to evolve, and to evolve means to progress. In addition, no one is responsible for our personal growth but ourselves.

These fears, as intimidating as they are, are opportunities to build us. The key is to take time to learn about it, face it head on and use it to our advantage.

Remember what Tsun Zu said, keep our friends close and keep our enemies closer.