Letters to a Friend: Know thyself

Cowper Street, October 10, 2009

My dearest,

Have I ever told you the meaning of my name? In Arabic it comprises of two words; nur means light, and hidayat means direction. To my utter romantic self, I always believe my name signifies the essence of who I am, the purpose of my being. To me, the idea of how I am in people's life at one point of time to find something for them, to bring them to a different junction of their life and to guide them to their destination, seems so apt.

Yesterday when I was browsing a book with my friend in the little bookstore by the beach, we found out I bore similar and uncanny characteristics to the Goddess Artemis, the androgynous eternal virgin. How much of a coincidence do you think it is? You see, I wasn't kidding when I said I don't see much need for a man to complete me.

This realization, this discovery, this mesmerizing consciousness of my true self reminds me of the short journey I've shared with you in the past, and how in our brief and laconic encounters, I've conceived a reality so clear and unbidden to the faculty of my imaginations. It's as if in meeting you in return - I was guided, found, and brought to life.

How do you think we should explain our seemingly fateful but haphazard friendship, my dearest? I always think how degrading it is to attribute every single thing to mere chance and fortuity, as if our presence in each other's lives serves no larger purposes beyond the random, automated, and mechanized system of our breathing and bleeding bodies. At the same time, to credit our beautiful and blossoming friendship to the working of fate and forces of predetermined events renders a touch of lethargy to our outlook on life. When things are or not meant to be, what use is there in even trying?

There is now a tinge of strange bitterness every time I visit the memories of our time spent together, our intertwined and enjoined conversations are so drenched with saccharine and ecstasy in the barren land of my dreams and expectations - they feel almost unreal. "When you suffered a great deal in life, each additional pain is both unbearable and trifling", says Pi. Similarly, when you've become a stranger to compassion and grace, even a minuscule act of generosity touches you like an electric current - shocking and overwhelming and out of the world.

So I'm writing to tell you today, these are what you are to me - a thunderstorm, a lightning, a rain and a sunshine, a gentle wave crashing on the silent and steady rock, a leaf falling from the tree, a dancing fairy, and a Peter Pan in my wonderland, and

I am ever yours truly,
Ati. A. Aziz