What is your notion of happiness?

"I hope you'll find your happiness in the end", he said with a sigh.

It was a close of a discussion, blanketed in despair. It was said without hope for the real meaning of the words uttered. I smiled, amused at what he implied in his final words to me.

Our conversation was a result of a deep rooted discussion about my beliefs in god and religion. Him a devout but moderate believer, I a wavering agnostic. Earlier, when I confessed my doubts in what is considered real truth by many people, he welcomed my differences. He celebrated the opportunities to debate what might be an intellectual/faith differences.

But lately, and gradually, he cemented his conclusion with hopes that I am to eventually find my way back to religion, that finally god will open my heart. As if to imply all along, I am not on the right path.

What if, I wonder to myself after my conversation with my good friend - I already found my happiness? What if I've already found my answers and they are not necessarily found in the way he had hoped for me?

Say, if I don't take what is considered the virtuous path of many, would my decisions be any less correct, true, or relevant?

Trying to be ordinary

I'm turning 25 in a day or so.

And I am anxious to decide whether I should start looking seriously at how my life is going to shape over in the next 5, 10, or 25 years, or whether I should just live my life one day at a time, with no regard to the past or the future.  

Sometimes I caught myself thinking; I'm not reading enough, I'm not writing enough, I'm not reflecting enough, I'm not seeing people enough, I'm not living my life enough.

But how much is enough?

And wasn't there a saying about life is what happens when we're busy making other plans?

I'm always the person with the plans. I have a career plans from 3 to 15 years. I have a list of things to do before I'm 30, things to do while I was in Australia, things to do for how much time I allowed myself to be in Malaysia. I have a list of characteristics in a man I would like to date. I even rate them on a scale of 1 to 10.

What if, for once, I want to stop thinking about what I want to do with my life;

And just live?

I've worked for almost a year now. And despite the fact most of the time I'm actually enjoying my work; reading and writing about the changes which have swept the way government and corporations operates with nature and environment, talking to people who needs help and assisting them in getting it - occasionally I would still feel like quitting.

I would look at other people and ask, how come they never seem to hate their job? How come they make it appear like they have the perfect job in the world? Don't they have demanding boss and inconsiderate superiors too? Don't they work weekends or at odd hours sometimes? When do they even have time to meet new people?

Oh my, wherever did I get the idea life has to be perfect? Whenever did I hammer into my head I can only be happy when everything in my life is fine and dandy?

I think I'm finally getting the idea about how beauty is skin deep, and happiness does come from within.