After nearly ten years, ati-the-reader.blogspot.com is now concluding its final chapter. The blog has been a definitive part of my life, and I have enjoyed being a part of yours (whoever you are) in all these writing years.
If you need to reach out to me, I can be contacted at nurhidayatia@gmail.com. We will probably see each other again, in one way or another, in the physical or virtual world.
Until then, here's wishing that you will have the life you always dream of!
Sunday, June 30, 2013
Tuesday, June 11, 2013
Stronger than you
Here is the thing: I am the kind of girl who relish in abandoning things.
I couldn't remember how it started. But I didn't set out to be strong. I was a doted child. The only girl in the family. The kind of girl who is always buoyed by the assurance of a slow haven of a flowery swing.
These days people often commended my calm exterior, and always, I would laugh a little inside. If only you knew.
First, I kicked a window until my foot bleeds. Then I shoved my standing fan from my desk to the ground, rendering it useless and pathetically swinging to its death.
I hit my head against the wall. I cried. I lost my faith.
One day, in my anger and with tears stinging in my eyes. I stood up and started to clean.
When I was done, I was sweaty and breathless but with what feels like an amazingly calm space inside my head.
From a hoarding princess, I became a spartan soldier.
I found with great joy the satisfaction of purging things I don't need. I threw away boxes and boxes and boxes of letters. I passed along gifts I couldn't and didn't want to use. When people find it difficult to stay in my life, I didn't stop to wait for them.
I learned Stoicism, dived into Objectivism. I walked so fast sometimes my legs hurt.
Because I am afraid.
I am afraid, if I stop for even a second - I will explode.
I couldn't remember how it started. But I didn't set out to be strong. I was a doted child. The only girl in the family. The kind of girl who is always buoyed by the assurance of a slow haven of a flowery swing.
And then someone came and cut the rope that held me to the sky.
These days people often commended my calm exterior, and always, I would laugh a little inside. If only you knew.
I was an angry kid, and my blinding rage sometimes made me feel like I could kill myself.
First, I kicked a window until my foot bleeds. Then I shoved my standing fan from my desk to the ground, rendering it useless and pathetically swinging to its death.
I hit my head against the wall. I cried. I lost my faith.
One day, in my anger and with tears stinging in my eyes. I stood up and started to clean.
When I was done, I was sweaty and breathless but with what feels like an amazingly calm space inside my head.
I learned then to be strong I need to cut the frills away from my life.
From a hoarding princess, I became a spartan soldier.
I found with great joy the satisfaction of purging things I don't need. I threw away boxes and boxes and boxes of letters. I passed along gifts I couldn't and didn't want to use. When people find it difficult to stay in my life, I didn't stop to wait for them.
I learned Stoicism, dived into Objectivism. I walked so fast sometimes my legs hurt.
Now can you see why I cannot stop and wait for you?
Because I am afraid.
I am afraid, if I stop for even a second - I will explode.
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