Stronger than you

Here is the thing: I am the kind of girl who relish in abandoning things.

I couldn't remember how it started. But I didn't set out to be strong. I was a doted child. The only girl in the family. The kind of girl who is always buoyed by the assurance of a slow haven of a flowery swing.

And then someone came and cut the rope that held me to the sky.

These days people often commended my calm exterior, and always, I would laugh a little inside. If only you knew.

I was an angry kid, and my blinding rage sometimes made me feel like I could kill myself.

First, I kicked a window until my foot bleeds. Then I shoved my standing fan from my desk to the ground, rendering it useless and pathetically swinging to its death.

I hit my head against the wall. I cried. I lost my faith.

One day, in my anger and with tears stinging in my eyes. I stood up and started to clean.

When I was done, I was sweaty and breathless but with what feels like an amazingly calm space inside my head.

I learned then to be strong I need to cut the frills away from my life.

From a hoarding princess, I became a spartan soldier.

I found with great joy the satisfaction of purging things I don't need. I threw away boxes and boxes and boxes of letters. I passed along gifts I couldn't and didn't want to use. When people find it difficult to stay in my life, I didn't stop to wait for them.

I learned Stoicism,  dived into Objectivism. I walked so fast sometimes my legs hurt.

Now can you see why I cannot stop and wait for you?

Because I am afraid.

I am afraid, if I stop for even a second - I will explode.