Even though I may not have realised it earlier, I think I gave up on religion a long time ago.
There is something about assigning truth to a certain belief and implying such belief as above others which I don't agree with. Over time, I had learned faith is all-inclusively a personal, irrational, and at the same time a conscious endeavour.
There is always a reason why people believe in something, and why they don't - and the consequent conclusion to it is simply, to each their own.
Once on our way home while walking under a clear moonlight by the Coogee beach, my housemate asked me; "do you believe in god?". I raised my eyes, my two brows knitted together. Feeling a bit offended, I said, "what do you think I'm wearing the headscarf for?". He chuckled, and gave me a look which says, 'come on, don't fool yourself'
Later in the night, I was left deep in my own thoughts. I realised everything religious I've been doing all these while had been nothing but ornamental. They were simply a territorial mark, a conventional stamp which licensed me to function as a normal individual in my society.
I asked myself, since when did I make the conscious choice to believe, to submit myself to a particular religion or a school of thoughts - I thought long and hard, and I couldn't remember.
From that moment on; every rituals, every services I perform in the name of religion lost their meaning.
6 comments:
Aik? haih, this post is like 'biskut'.. ;p
Anyway, this has been a long-standing conversation between us, hasn't it?..
First of all, I don't agree with you, and this will certainly have deep repercussions; both for you and the rest of the people who know you..
But I am not God. I have absolutely no idea where this is going.. And in this sense, to assert opinions about other people's belief systems would be pointless, if not a little too late.
I hate convincing those who have gone well down their own path.. It's terribly exhausting!
My policy? "you live; you learn."
Kak Sofie,
Reaching to agreement is the last thing on my list at the moment, if it's the stamp of approval I seek from the beginning of my journey - I wouldn't have started it. I might as well just stay put where I was and I'll be as good as everybody else.
As for deep repercussions, I like to think my action was fueled by full faith my family and friends, no matter how, will understand what I'm going through - eventually.
By the way, I don't need your convictions. But I need your points of view. Contrary to your belief that I may have well gone down my own path, I'm still continuously seeking!
I don't know if my calling what you are going through a spiritual journey trivializes it--if it does do forgive me!--but I am going through something slightly, if not altogether similar.
;)
I call it my very own spiritual tango, peristalsis of faith, among other things.
When I let myself, I always feel a resounding dread about having to leave school. Everything I did then, faith wise, was so structured, set in the sureness of routine, secure underneath the collective ritual of my surrounding peers, that I didn't have to, saw no point in and was too naively confident to question anything I was doing then. My truth then was the only truth.
But then I left. I had to adapt. I had to, and I don't know if it is because of the burst of diverse views bleeding into my new surroundings, or because I felt safe to question, or because I escaped a routine that then allowed me to pick and choose my own literature. But somehow, in between failing to live up to my former self and my restlessness to establish a new, mature belief system that made sense to me and stick with it, I am relieved that I left school, left my country, left my family. Because it taught me to be reflective, forgiving (of myself and others that I viewed through my former lens) and be brave enough to be curious and ask WHY questions.
Nowadays my notion of faith is a nascent internal, personal struggle more than any outward urgency to indoctrinate. God forgive me for being selfish while I attempt to find Him!
I don't have all my answers yet, but ultimately I will--and I already know this--be at peace with the notion that we are not meant to have all the answers. Hence, having faith. But with all of our God given mental capacity, I genuinely feel He wants us search, justify, be critical, question, criticize. In other words, be active in our response to the call to faith, don't be lazy and confuse blind acceptance with faith.
I have read that a journey in search of God itself, regardless of the outcome, can never possibly be in the wrong.
God bless, Ati!
Aijud,
1. I'm glad to find you're back in writing. I always think we connect better through our blogs. :)
2. You know what is the first thing I think about when I read your post? I found so much comfort in what you said and yet you're too young to be saying all these things!
But then again, what's in the age, right?
I'm always glad to have found in you a kindred spirit, thank you for understanding.
And I wish the world for you!
Kak Opie, kita tunggu episodes yang lain.
It is easy to feel distant and apart from Allah and his infinite mercy. But Allah reminds us in the Qur'an that His mercy is limitless and that He loves to forgive His slaves. So when we find ourselves committing sins and acts of disobedience to our Lord, we should turn to Him in repentance.
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