"I am not what happened to me, I am what I choose to become" - Carl Jung
How many times a day do I find myself being angry at the world? How many times a day I was revisited by the ancient urge to hurl a red brick stone at somebody, for deceiving me, for disrespecting me, for rejecting me? How many times a day I am tempted to listen to the deepest and darkest voice in my head, which lurks around, ready to spring at a moment's notice - to take the forbidden path, to let go, without a care to the world, without remembering those I love the most?
They are too many to count, and the thing about growing up, the thing about having chosen my own path - is that my life becomes my own responsibility. The fear, the hurt, the anger, the frustration, the sadness; are no one else's but mine.
So every time, when I'm confronted with the same situation over and over again, I have to consider my choices - to revert back to my old self, and risk facing the same result, the same pattern, or to move forward, to see the beauty in everyday life and even though I am at the mercy of the unknown, of the unfamiliar - at least I'm not repeating, or victimised by, the same vicious cycle.
I am not giving up on you, life, not yet.
Friday, June 24, 2011
Thursday, June 23, 2011
The trouble with being small
I always get tongue-tied when people ask about what I do at work. What comes out of my mouth are usually a mumbo-jumbo of words which so often leave people even more perplexed. The conversation usually goes like this;
"So where are you working? Putrajaya. Which Ministry/Department? Oh, no. I work in the private sector. (Surprised look) Really, which company are you working with? It's a small company, we do management consulting and seminar/conference planning. (Feigned interest) Ah, so what kind of work/projects are you doing right now? Oh, um, I'm involved in this non-profit government-to-government initiative to promote the biomass industry. But you said you're not working with government. You're correct, I'm not, but we're engaged by the government to do this project. (Vigorous nodding followed by awkward silence)"
When I was in the university, I never thought of myself working with a small/medium-sized business. Partly because I think I'd always end up doing research and studying all my life, and eventually when I got the scholarship from the government - I thought my path is set in the public sector.
But I should've known, growing up and watching my father managed one of his companies he's working for with my mother and eldest brother, and few years of sleepover in his office whenever we come down to KL when I was younger, it is only natural I gravitate towards the same environment when I start my working life.
So I learned, no matter what your position is titled - when you're working for small-sized business - your job description is almost indefinable. Of course, you know what is your core skills and responsibilities (and eventually, you learn to maintain these as something only you can do in the organisation), but at the same time you need to be prepared to go beyond what is required of you. Because the truth is, there is no one else to do it.
There is also no clear hierarchy in small business. When your superior is present, then you normally assume your given role. But in small business we do not have the pleasure of time and space (let alone, budget) - so when (and often) your superior has to be elsewhere for a different project and you have to replace him or her for an equally essential task - you assume their role. Take charge and own the project as if it's your own.
My work today spanned from answering e-mails to one of our project's stakeholders, maintaining an updated list of participants for the upcoming seminar on renewable energy hosted by our partner, digging out statistics on the availability of oil palm waste in the country, rooting for information on latest government's incentives offered to small and medium businesses in green technology sector, participating in a short discussion about another conference in October, and organising (and attending) meetings for my boss with one of our member companies before I go home. Along the day, I had to figure out what I need to do to finalise the agreements between our project members and their consultants for eco-labelling and clean development exercises which we're funding.
Title-wise, I performed the tasks of a personal assistant, an event executive and a industry/market researcher.
The trouble with being small is you may end up doing three jobs but being paid for one, and the trouble with being small is you have to learn fast and be as agile with your roles as you are in relating to your colleagues or clients at work. The trouble with being small is you have to be prepared to take or leave what you're asked to do - because with the limited resources, there is little room for trying, and because honest to god, if you fail, there is no one else there to blame.
A year and more spent being in small business, and a couple of years to come (my project will not end until 2013) - I find that I have no trouble at all with being small.
"So where are you working? Putrajaya. Which Ministry/Department? Oh, no. I work in the private sector. (Surprised look) Really, which company are you working with? It's a small company, we do management consulting and seminar/conference planning. (Feigned interest) Ah, so what kind of work/projects are you doing right now? Oh, um, I'm involved in this non-profit government-to-government initiative to promote the biomass industry. But you said you're not working with government. You're correct, I'm not, but we're engaged by the government to do this project. (Vigorous nodding followed by awkward silence)"
When I was in the university, I never thought of myself working with a small/medium-sized business. Partly because I think I'd always end up doing research and studying all my life, and eventually when I got the scholarship from the government - I thought my path is set in the public sector.
But I should've known, growing up and watching my father managed one of his companies he's working for with my mother and eldest brother, and few years of sleepover in his office whenever we come down to KL when I was younger, it is only natural I gravitate towards the same environment when I start my working life.
So I learned, no matter what your position is titled - when you're working for small-sized business - your job description is almost indefinable. Of course, you know what is your core skills and responsibilities (and eventually, you learn to maintain these as something only you can do in the organisation), but at the same time you need to be prepared to go beyond what is required of you. Because the truth is, there is no one else to do it.
There is also no clear hierarchy in small business. When your superior is present, then you normally assume your given role. But in small business we do not have the pleasure of time and space (let alone, budget) - so when (and often) your superior has to be elsewhere for a different project and you have to replace him or her for an equally essential task - you assume their role. Take charge and own the project as if it's your own.
My work today spanned from answering e-mails to one of our project's stakeholders, maintaining an updated list of participants for the upcoming seminar on renewable energy hosted by our partner, digging out statistics on the availability of oil palm waste in the country, rooting for information on latest government's incentives offered to small and medium businesses in green technology sector, participating in a short discussion about another conference in October, and organising (and attending) meetings for my boss with one of our member companies before I go home. Along the day, I had to figure out what I need to do to finalise the agreements between our project members and their consultants for eco-labelling and clean development exercises which we're funding.
Title-wise, I performed the tasks of a personal assistant, an event executive and a industry/market researcher.
The trouble with being small is you may end up doing three jobs but being paid for one, and the trouble with being small is you have to learn fast and be as agile with your roles as you are in relating to your colleagues or clients at work. The trouble with being small is you have to be prepared to take or leave what you're asked to do - because with the limited resources, there is little room for trying, and because honest to god, if you fail, there is no one else there to blame.
A year and more spent being in small business, and a couple of years to come (my project will not end until 2013) - I find that I have no trouble at all with being small.
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
To live frugal and green
"We're living on the credit cards of future generation", so says Matthias Gelber, who was voted the Greenest Man on the Planet in 2008.
On the other hand, "everyone from the public, private sector and academia are looking to the government to change, we've got to stop it!", was the frustration cried by Gurmit Singh. Having worked and fought for environment as long as he did, it's a wonder the man never give up.
I was at the Green Business Forum today; reputed the leaders forum for green business. I chuckled easily when Gurmit Singh told the audience he refused to open the bottled water served on the table. "If you say you support green but you still serve the bottled water, then it's not green - it's greenwashing."
The forum was refreshing, a kick in the butt to keep reminding me why I'm here - in the industry of my own choosing. But above all, it serves as a reminder to my personal resolve in doing my part for the environment;
My earlier thoughts on environment stemmed from resource consumption and respecting nature - they're part and parcel of moral perfectibility. Which is why when the issue of climate change crop up, although it helped me understand the course of environmental history, it acts little as my impetus to continue working for environment. Nevertheless, my beliefs in it has never wavered - seeking to work in the biomass/renewable energy industry was a conscious decision, stopping to buy bottled water was a conscious decision, continuing to use my old battered Kancil was a conscious decision, trying to keep my electricity use below 80kWh/month was a conscious decision.
I still have a long way to go - my plastic and glass bottles still waiting to be sent to recycled centre, my used cooking oil is still well below its 1 litre mark, I am yet to set-up a proper recycling system in my kitchen. It can be daunting, but unless you are convinced that you're doing it for the right reasons, and not merely to jump on the green bandwagon, I'd say why not, take your time, go ahead. We all could do with less wastage.
On the other hand, "everyone from the public, private sector and academia are looking to the government to change, we've got to stop it!", was the frustration cried by Gurmit Singh. Having worked and fought for environment as long as he did, it's a wonder the man never give up.
I was at the Green Business Forum today; reputed the leaders forum for green business. I chuckled easily when Gurmit Singh told the audience he refused to open the bottled water served on the table. "If you say you support green but you still serve the bottled water, then it's not green - it's greenwashing."
The forum was refreshing, a kick in the butt to keep reminding me why I'm here - in the industry of my own choosing. But above all, it serves as a reminder to my personal resolve in doing my part for the environment;
My earlier thoughts on environment stemmed from resource consumption and respecting nature - they're part and parcel of moral perfectibility. Which is why when the issue of climate change crop up, although it helped me understand the course of environmental history, it acts little as my impetus to continue working for environment. Nevertheless, my beliefs in it has never wavered - seeking to work in the biomass/renewable energy industry was a conscious decision, stopping to buy bottled water was a conscious decision, continuing to use my old battered Kancil was a conscious decision, trying to keep my electricity use below 80kWh/month was a conscious decision.
I still have a long way to go - my plastic and glass bottles still waiting to be sent to recycled centre, my used cooking oil is still well below its 1 litre mark, I am yet to set-up a proper recycling system in my kitchen. It can be daunting, but unless you are convinced that you're doing it for the right reasons, and not merely to jump on the green bandwagon, I'd say why not, take your time, go ahead. We all could do with less wastage.
Monday, June 20, 2011
Come hell or water high
Writing please come to me like rain, I'm barren and tongue-tied and at a loss for the healing embracing power you offers me. Words please come to me like river, wash me, roll me over and take me away from these daunting waves of life and reality and dreams.
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
It's warm in Berlin
People rides their bike a lot around here, and in a lot of manners; from the most sporty to men in suits or scruffy young adults who look like they just got out of bed and decide to go to work in their best shirt, unironed.
Berliners like to take their meals slowly, and as a result at cafe and restaurants you will find yourself waiting 20 to 30 minutes for your meals to come when you ordered. And most people linger after dinner for 1 hour or more.
They like to take their food crude and wholesome too, so you will find none of the elaborate European dishes you often see on TV. Think steaks, mashed peas and potatoes, and of course, sausages in many varieties.
It feels good to discover Berlin slowly, and not bedraggled with the rushed feeling often associated with being a tourist. My perspective of the city grows larger by day, and it's hard not to feel warmed by its quiet pleasantness as my trip goes on.
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