You know I'm trying and you don't mind

Sometimes I feel like I hardly know myself. At one time I found myself wishing nothing more for the happiness already firm in my grasp, at another time I crumble at the mere mention of the past already forgotten. At one time I gave the world the biggest and the most selfless smile I could muster, but when I saw the big smile on someone else's face I feel the tiny painful stabs in my heart. I've forgotten what it feels like to see a smile which could light up the sky and cut open the sea of my emotions. Sometimes I go through life trying to accept everything, trying to not be mindful of little things, trying to mend my heart around the little gaps which left me breathless in my sleep. All I am asking from the world is to let me be invisible so nobody can see how frail my strong heart can be. But there are times when I am afraid I've shaken the world out of its rhythm, when I feel I am lost at the end of the tunnel and the other side of life is coming close to swallow me, when I thought I've failed to uphold my promise in being brave and strong and courageous - someone sat beside me and hold my hand and told me it's okay and I looked at the eyes so pure and I wonder how can it be real? How do I know if the world is not going to crush me? Sometimes when I talked to God and I told Him I'm ready to go through life on my own, He shook His head and He laughed and He sent me someone. I wonder to myself whether He doesn't trust me or He was trying to make a joke or He meant the best for me. When I was eighteen I learned how it doesn't take the world to break my heart, how sometimes painful things even when I erase them from my memories they come and beat me in my nightmares, how my wound left its scars on me and stays with me all my life. But now I learned too no matter how my heart get torned apart it always learn to love and heal itself again, I learned kindness is the first thing God decided is a gift to me, not wealth or beauty or grand things, and I learned if I give the world a chance even when I'm afraid, it'll take me in its embrace and treat me like a long lost friend - warm, generous, and full of surprises.